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SAT 11.29.03 @ 10:56pm
I've been fucking with the Christmas lights in the upstairs windows for the last two hours or so. I did them up with tape last night, and today I'm trying to put up some little thingees by 3M that stick better and are more easily removed. Some of them work miraculously, some of them won't work at all. Little fuckers.
There's not much better than white Christmas lights blinking away in your "office" window. Except maybe adding in the New Wave channel on cable box's digital music feature. I always forget we have digital music.
I am vaguely bored. Ah, that's the point I was trying to make. Nothing better than having Christmas lights, New Wave digital music, and being vaguely bored on a Saturday night of a 4 day weekend.
We drove back to Port Orchard on Wednesday night, and had a great Thanksgiving with Eric's family, the girls having arrived about an hour after we did. There was turkey and rolls and scalloped corn and pie, etc. No pumpkin. Apparently, since John really likes pumpkin, we're waiting for him to get back from Bahrain to have any. Never heard of boycotting a food someone likes just because they're not around, but if that's what everyone wants, I'm fine with that.
FUCK THOSE SHITTY 3M CRAPPY LIGHT HOLDERS! THEY FELL DOWN AGAIN!!!
Grr.
I just realized I never even talked to my mom on Thanksgiving. Usually I at least drop by. But I don't know where she lives. And I'm not sure I even have her number. And now it's quite late two days after the event. Am I a bad daughter? Or is she a bad mother for not calling me?
It does not help that I had a horrid dream a few days ago where I yelled at her for sticking around with my father for so long. How am I ever going to get over the things he did to us? To me? I don't know. I'm not even sure I'm supposed to get over it. I don't want to forgive him. But I do wish I could just forget all of it.
Thinking about babies again lately. At least, how much I want one. Sometimes, I can imagine exactly what it would feel like to hold my own baby in my arms. And I get really sad about it.
My latest insecurity about having a baby is how fat I've gotten. I don't think it would be very healthy to get pregnant right now. But I'm increasingly afraid of my inability to lose weight, so now I'm afraid I may never be healthy enough to get pregnant.
I find new milestones to scare me into getting serious about losing weight, and just watch them go by. Because they scare me, I get emotional, and when I'm emotional, I have no will power. I'll do anything to make myself feel better. And what easier way is there than to let myself eat whatever the fuck comes to mind.
Somehow, dieting has led to more unhealthy food habits. How can this be possible? The more important question, what do I do about it? I'm very afraid that the answer is therapy.
MON 11.24.03 @ 10:21pm
I would really like to spend some money and start a fish tank again. We had one years and years ago at our first apartment. All the fish got sick and died within a week of each other, including the frog. :( I have toyed with the idea of just having a small terranium/aquarium for frogs (tiny aquatic ones they sell like fish). In fact, I dreamed about just such a setup a few nights ago.
Eric has had us putting off fish and another cat since we've lived in our last apartment because it was so small. Now that we're here in a house, money is an issue. I really think I'd like to just do it. Being Christmas time, I could ask for that for Christmas, but I would want to pick everything out myself, and surprises are really big with us.
Will think on this more.
I just watched Real Women Have Curves on cable. I can't recall exactly what was said, but the one review I read of this movie said it wasn't what it was billed as, or somesuch. I remember the previews made it out to be a comedy, and large women joking around in their bras in a factory featured prominently. While that scene was amusing, it took alot of endurance to get there. Because this is the film of a Mexican-American girl during her first summer after high school. And her family is not so nice. I spent most of the movie furious with them. But then also furious with her. So little communication in the family, but every time that girl opened her mouth to talk to her family, she said the wrong things or said them way too confrontationally.
I enjoyed the movie. I enjoyed getting to know the characters. I had a special appreciation of the problems this girl and her family faced. Which made the plot a little tough for me to watch without squirming a bit.
We also saw Love Actually this last weekend, and somehow I failed to mention that here. It was a perfect romantic comedy. Eric was trying to put up a fight, and I told him I would not accept him fighting me on this one the way he does on all other romantic comedies. Because it looked really good and he admitted to me along those lines when he finally saw the long preview. Afterwards, by the smile on his face I could tell he liked it, but I had to be sure. I hope he didn't think I was trying to rub it in as "I told you so". I just wanted to make sure, because I told him if he hated it, THEN he could give me shit about it and we could go watch a "man" movie.
Anyway, the film was really good. An awful lot of people coming together and moving apart. Some of my favorite actors giving great performances. Can Alan Rickman actually play a part where he's not a sly, cheeky (yet loveable) bastard? I always seem to forget what an amazing actress Laura Linney is, but once again she had a remarkable part and was wonderful to watch. I've never really understood the attraction of Liam Neeson, but the relationship between him and his stepson was very... rewarding. I could say that of the whole film. It was probably Colin Firth's storyline that I liked the best. Some great dialogue between him and his Portuegese housekeeper, especially about eels when they're in a pond. Hugh Grant has some serious puppy-dog eyes, not lost on me in this film, but something about Colin Firth just makes me want to give him a big hug and kiss on the forehead and make him tea. And then maybe make out later.
Keira Knightly looked sensational in her wedding gown, and then she looked like a mutated freak. Seriously, she had freakishly long teeth with gaps between all of them, so that she looked sickly. Combined with the fact that she looked like a walking skeleton, and I'm seriously wondering if she's anorexic or bulimic. Receeding gums are a symptom of too much weight loss. And if those aren't receeding gums, then she's had a botched job to fix her smile at the dentist's or something. It was creepy.
The man who fancied her called her "perfect", and that just reminds me of this scene in The Anniversary Party. Where two men (Kevin Kline & Alan Cumming?) are admiring Gwyneth Paltrow and her "perfect tits". Or "fabulous tits". Or was it "great tits"? Anyway, they were definitely blind, or those lines were written before Paltrow was cast, because she has NO tits.
I am *so* sorry to dig on Keira and Gwyneth, whom I think are really gorgeous. But honestly, they could really use some meat on them.
SUN 11.23.03 @ 10:56pm
I was a good girl today. I did some cleaning. I did Christmas shopping. I did more cleaning. I answered emails. In general, I interracted with the world. Quite unusual for me. Especially on a Sunday.
No, I haven't written a fucking word for Nanowrimo. Wanted to, but copped out. Oh well. I really think I'd rather focus on cleaning house this week, in case the neices stop by while they're in town over Thanksgiving.
I'm really hoping this is going to be a special Christmas. Not perfect, since John is in, um... Bahrain I think. And the girls don't get here until the day after Christmas. But I have already bought lots of gifts. We've bought lights for the house. I want to march out and by a tree as soon as I wake up Friday morning. And drink cocoa while trimming it.
This strange duality in me, I adore Halloween and being evil, but Christmas will always be my favorite holiday.
And on December first I can stop feeling guilty about not writing, and crack open a book or two.
Speaking of duality, am I crazy to completely adore my husband and be content with our life together, but still desire the esteem of random men? Is this a female thing? A low-self-esteem thing? A crazy thing? I don't want to date guys. Or make out. Or exchange emails. But it's always pleasant to be hit on by a stranger, even if it's only because you used a stock-photo of some skinny-assed chick as your profile pic at Suicide Girls. Even after you put up a note saying IT'S NOT A PICTURE OF ME!!!
You'd think being able to read would be a prerequisite for being able to use the internet.
OMG, Suicide Girls now lets you pick FIVE of your favorite girls! And I still had to axe two in order to make room. May I suggest a sampling of the following?
Rabbit, Bettina, Lucille, Nic, Claudia
ps: Alias is so rad. When is Sidney gonna take down that bitch and get her man back? She needs some sweet lovin' from Vaughn something fierce. Poor sweetie-girl.
pps: is it wrong to dig that Black Eyed Peas song playing in that stupid satelite radio commercial where the guy drives his car up to the 44th floor to go to work without missing a beat?
SAT 11.22.03 @ 11:50pm
word count: 14,572
pages: 39
Today is Suicide Girls day. I received not 1 but TWO pickup lines in my hotmail inbox delivered by the SG system. So I went over for the first time in quite awhile to see what was up that would make me so popular. Haven't quite figured it out, but for some reason 8 people have commented on my journal there since October. WTF?
Anyway, before I could really get a chance to poke around (not sure how I feel about the new layout) and check out the new ladies, I saw that there was a photo set of their gig for Real Sex on HBO. And it was running tonight at 11! It was 10:56pm.
Why did Missy move the gang to LA? SG always felt kind of "local" being just down in Portland. Oh well. I guess the site is a MUCH larger industry than she ever expected, and LA can better serve that. I wonder if the guy she started it up with is still around. I think his name was Spooky.
I would fact check, but for some reason the site is down. Probably because the Real Sex segment of them just finished, and they probably just got a BAZILLION hits from it.
It was a very cool Real Sex segment. Saw some of my favorite girls there, including the lovely Bettina. And I have to say, I am so envious of all their tattoos. I want to get some more very badly, but I have issues. Money issues. Pain issues. Body image issues. In the end, I'll probably never have another one, and I'm usually ok with that.
But I just want to reiterate, I love SG. It is so amazingly empowering. So inspiring. Those girls rock. They have body issues and they bare it all anyway. They're comfortable with their sexuality. Comfortable with their bodies. They're afraid of being dorks. They enjoy each other's company. Missy sounds like a little girl. They're just like me, and that's so cool.
Anyway, I'm missing the rest of Real Sex. An *amazing* HBO show that you should all see. Including me! Ciao.
SUN 11.16.03 @ 10:41pm
word count: 13,829
pages: 37
I'm not giving up, but I realize it's highly unlikely I'll meet the 50,000 word goal. I will perservere until day 30 though, you can be sure. I will just perservere less often.
November is turning out to be a month to remember, whether I like it or not. You know that old quote, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans"? Well, that's what Nanowrimo is like, and the past month or so.
I ran over a cat. At least, this is what I find myself telling people. I didn't actually run over the cat. I don't know how to explain it. I saw the cat ran over. I was going to write an entry where I wrote about how excruciatingly horrible that was. Every detail. Talk about how I think I went into shock after I went into the road and picked it up to move out of the way.
One of the three most traumatizing moments in my life. But I'll spare you all the gory details, as they really were gory, and that would not be kind. I was especially unkind to Eric, who I told almost every detail to. Almost.
I was reminded today how much goodness there is in the world. I forget it sometimes. It's so easy to forget the good things, because it's the bad ones that stick so jarringly in your mind.
Saturday morning I was up at dawn, worrying about the possibility of rabies. I waited until 9am, and then called the Group Health consulting nurse. She assured me it was a very low-risk situation, and then spent a lot of time consoling me about the cat. Telling me how much more traumatizing it is for a person to watch than the animal itself, because it goes into our long-term memory, and the cat doesn't even have long enough to process it at all. I kind of disagreed with what she was saying, but she was very sweet. She told me I was a very good person for what I did, moving that cat out of the middle of the road.
Today I was buying a little candy to slip into the box going to my brother-in-law stationed over-seas, and I picked up a pre-packaged bag of food worth $8 that the grocery store was selling to people for $5 to donate to Northwest Harvest. The clerk told me what a good person I was for doing this. I think $5 is an incredibly modest, hell, tiny amount to donate to hungry people. But he was very sweet about it.
It's just... nice to know that there are good people in the world for once. I told myself to come home and write this down, so there would be some record, the next time I had a run-in with some crazy driver and I lose all faith in humanity.
This is an amazingly scattered entry, but alot of scattered thoughts have been coming to me over the past few days. Even more annoying, I'm not sure when I'm going to get to post this. We picked up our server (finally) from the Madhouse last weekend, and Eric has yet to tell me how to update my website. I finally asked the other day, and he said he needed to "set something up." Hmm.
We saw Brother Bear yesterday. It was very good. I'm so sad they're doing away with conventional animation at Disney. Even sadder that their last conventionally animated movie will be Home on the Range. It looks horrible. Brother Bear was great, and it had all my favorite things about Disney: an appreciation for nature and peace, happy people at harmony with each other and nature, and animals that talk. The only thing missing was a cool female hero. Although there was one vital female character, she wasn't the lead. :(
SAT 11.08.03 @ 10:46pm
word count: 6,701
pages: 17
I am really hating this process. I'm constantly questioning myself and my worth because of Nanowrimo. Is it worse to not set goals for yourself, or to set goals and then fail at them? One of the more boring (ie: I didn't pay much attention) psych classes in college, I have a slight recollection of the methods of people who have a fear of failure versus a fear of success. Something about one set aims to high so that it's not their fault when they don't succeed - the mission was obviously impossible to begin with. The other set would create very low goals, to always succeed, so as not to face the possibility of failure - ever. I think I'm missing something here, summarizing badly, leaving stuff out. Whatever.
I'm pretty sure I don't have a fear of success. I definitely have a fear of failure, sometimes. Other times, it's not that bad. Other times, I just don't give a damn.
I've created this comfy life for myself, but I'm restless. I feel like I'm not a good enough person. I'm not productive enough. Or something. I can't quite figure it out, actually.
But, kind of like the whole "kindergarten teacher" idea, one day I realized, what the hell: maybe I *was* supposed to be a writer. Maybe I should just grow up, stop being wishy-washy, and get to it. So, hell, Nanowrimo would be a great test, right?
But I had some bad prep time. I really wanted more time to pick my project. Running out of time, I picked the "easiest" task. Yet, here I am, staring at the gaping jaws of Failure. That big "F" word.
Fuck.
I don't want to talk about the Matrix. I don't think I can bare it. I would just like to ask, who the fuck decided to let George Lucas write the ending? Hasn't anyone noticed what a FUCK writer he is? FUCK!!!!!!! The last scene even looked dumb.
There were scenes where I literally cringed at the cheesiness. I shit you not.
It went from Brilliant in the first, to ...cool...uh, huh, what?... in the second, to cool...uh...cool...ugh...cool...barf... in the third.
OK. I'll shut up. I hate people who talk about movies I haven't seen yet.
I also saw Monster's Ball finally, as it was on cable. It was a strange movie, but it was finally obvious why Miss Halle "Big Slice o' Heaven" Berry won an Oscar for it. But, shit, did they have to have those sex scenes in there? Now I'm really fucked up. Not only do they go throwing in lots of themes of death sandwiched around some hot sex, but the hot sex was 1/2 participated in by Billy Bob "Ugly Mother Fucking Bastard" Thornton. Talk about heebee jeebees.
And then I watched roughly half of The Graduate. I had no idea it was supposed to be humorous. Er, at least... amusing, in a "Dustin Hoffman always is kinda quirky" kinda way. And, well, it's kind of disturbing that Anne Bancroft was ever that attractive. To me, she'll always be Harvey Fierstein's mother in Torch Song Trilogy.
And I finally saw it, why everyone always said Pete looks like Dustin Hoffman. Very, very creepy, since DH was in his early 20's at the time, and that's how old Pete was the last time any of us saw him. There's something very different about them, but something eerily the same.
Keanu Reeves is 39. He has gotten older looking as the movies progressed. But also sadder. In real life too. Is it weird to be worried about someone famous? Because I worry about him. Especially now that his sister is sick.
So, I'm 30 years old. And I don't really mind anymore. It was pretty disturbing to turn 30. But I'm finding more and more gray hairs on my head, and I find it kind of amusing. I find it amusing to be getting older. I don't quite know why.
I wonder what it will feel like to turn 40. I think 36 will be the year that really gets to me. For some reason, my mother is eternally 36 in my head. I'm not sure why. But it will be weird to become 36 myself.
I wonder if Eric and I are too immature and self-centered to become parents. You do not want to see this house. There is no excuse for how filthy it is, not even Nanowrimo.
I think my lack of skills with time management and my lack of will power are combining to "do me in" on Nanowrimo. Plus looking at the page and not getting my characters. Not caring about them. Part of me wants to jump ahead to a scene that will make me care about them, but I want to write this in order so that I can get to know them so those scenes make sense.
I am a horrible speller. Forgive me for all the things I didn't catch, because I lost track of how many words I slaughtered and immediately had to correct.
ps: Halloween kicked ass. We gave away 24 treat bags. Eric says we will get more next year, once word-of-mouth gets round that we're a "cool house." The goodie bags were a big hit. See-through, parents didn't have to be alarmed about opening them, and the kids could see how generous we were with the candy. I'm so brilliant.
I only wish I hadn't forgotten the Life Savers. Every year my Gramma gave out those little white treatbags, the ones with the orange and black Halloween scenes (I think there was a big orange moon, so it was more orange than black). Almost without fail the same candy would be inside each year. At least the Snickers and Life Savers always were. I forgot the Life Savers. Damn.
SUN 11.02.03 @ 10:05pm
word count: 4995
page count: 13
I took a stage dive into 1st person. Fuck. I can never stay away from first person. Totally upped the word count though, so we'll see where this goes.
Did I mentioned I cut my hair and dyed it red - really red? I finally went forth and did it, after toying with the idea for over a month on the drive home the night before Halloween. Decided it would be easier to look goth with red hair. Not convinced I like what this Revlon "10 minutes only" crap did to my hair, but everyone else keeps raving about it, so I've vowed to shut up about it.
I checked out Third Place Books today, since I hadn't been there in a few months. I'm intimidated to meet new people, but there's supposed to be a Nanowrimo meet there Wednesday, and I'd really like to do at least one get-together.
For $50 I bought 4 used books and the new Anne Rice. I discovered that when a bookstore doesn't have an "Erotica" section, head to the "Anthology" section in Fiction. I hate wiping out a majority of a store's Erotica section, but it serves them right for having such pathetic selections.
Alias is coming on. Here's to hoping I can somehow keep watching all my favorite shows AND write 50,000 words this month. I'm 1/10th of the way there.
SUN 11.02.03 @ 12:28pm
We had our first snow of the season early this AM. Of course, by the time we woke up for real, it was bright and clear out, and not a snowflake in sight. No accumulation. Quite alright. It's still just November.
So yesterday was day one. Off to a painful start, I spent nearly all the daylight hours in front of my computer and barely managed to eek out 3 pages. We went to see Kill Bill last night, and it was magnificent. Sexy, fast, fun, beautiful, brilliant. And who the hell was it knocking the soundtrack. I thought it was a perfect finishing touch. I'm so glad they saved Lucy Liu until the pinnacle, because that scene in the snow was just gorgeous. Quentin Tarantino rocks my socks.
And QT did something else for me. He turned me on. I came home and cranked out 3 more pages in just over an hour.
So today is day two. My husband is off at a Seahawks game with a friend, and it's just me and my computer. And some microwave blueberry pancakes and bacon. Blueberry pancakes always have and always will remind me of Susan.
I'm down to my last bite. Time to get cracking. Ciao.
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Error processing SSI fileI've been fucking with the Christmas lights in the upstairs windows for the last two hours or so. I did them up with tape last night, and today I'm trying to put up some little thingees by 3M that stick better and are more easily removed. Some of them work miraculously, some of them won't work at all. Little fuckers.
There's not much better than white Christmas lights blinking away in your "office" window. Except maybe adding in the New Wave channel on cable box's digital music feature. I always forget we have digital music.
I am vaguely bored. Ah, that's the point I was trying to make. Nothing better than having Christmas lights, New Wave digital music, and being vaguely bored on a Saturday night of a 4 day weekend.
We drove back to Port Orchard on Wednesday night, and had a great Thanksgiving with Eric's family, the girls having arrived about an hour after we did. There was turkey and rolls and scalloped corn and pie, etc. No pumpkin. Apparently, since John really likes pumpkin, we're waiting for him to get back from Bahrain to have any. Never heard of boycotting a food someone likes just because they're not around, but if that's what everyone wants, I'm fine with that.
FUCK THOSE SHITTY 3M CRAPPY LIGHT HOLDERS! THEY FELL DOWN AGAIN!!!
Grr.
I just realized I never even talked to my mom on Thanksgiving. Usually I at least drop by. But I don't know where she lives. And I'm not sure I even have her number. And now it's quite late two days after the event. Am I a bad daughter? Or is she a bad mother for not calling me?
It does not help that I had a horrid dream a few days ago where I yelled at her for sticking around with my father for so long. How am I ever going to get over the things he did to us? To me? I don't know. I'm not even sure I'm supposed to get over it. I don't want to forgive him. But I do wish I could just forget all of it.
Thinking about babies again lately. At least, how much I want one. Sometimes, I can imagine exactly what it would feel like to hold my own baby in my arms. And I get really sad about it.
My latest insecurity about having a baby is how fat I've gotten. I don't think it would be very healthy to get pregnant right now. But I'm increasingly afraid of my inability to lose weight, so now I'm afraid I may never be healthy enough to get pregnant.
I find new milestones to scare me into getting serious about losing weight, and just watch them go by. Because they scare me, I get emotional, and when I'm emotional, I have no will power. I'll do anything to make myself feel better. And what easier way is there than to let myself eat whatever the fuck comes to mind.
Somehow, dieting has led to more unhealthy food habits. How can this be possible? The more important question, what do I do about it? I'm very afraid that the answer is therapy.
MON 11.24.03 @ 10:21pm
I would really like to spend some money and start a fish tank again. We had one years and years ago at our first apartment. All the fish got sick and died within a week of each other, including the frog. :( I have toyed with the idea of just having a small terranium/aquarium for frogs (tiny aquatic ones they sell like fish). In fact, I dreamed about just such a setup a few nights ago.
Eric has had us putting off fish and another cat since we've lived in our last apartment because it was so small. Now that we're here in a house, money is an issue. I really think I'd like to just do it. Being Christmas time, I could ask for that for Christmas, but I would want to pick everything out myself, and surprises are really big with us.
Will think on this more.
I just watched Real Women Have Curves on cable. I can't recall exactly what was said, but the one review I read of this movie said it wasn't what it was billed as, or somesuch. I remember the previews made it out to be a comedy, and large women joking around in their bras in a factory featured prominently. While that scene was amusing, it took alot of endurance to get there. Because this is the film of a Mexican-American girl during her first summer after high school. And her family is not so nice. I spent most of the movie furious with them. But then also furious with her. So little communication in the family, but every time that girl opened her mouth to talk to her family, she said the wrong things or said them way too confrontationally.
I enjoyed the movie. I enjoyed getting to know the characters. I had a special appreciation of the problems this girl and her family faced. Which made the plot a little tough for me to watch without squirming a bit.
We also saw Love Actually this last weekend, and somehow I failed to mention that here. It was a perfect romantic comedy. Eric was trying to put up a fight, and I told him I would not accept him fighting me on this one the way he does on all other romantic comedies. Because it looked really good and he admitted to me along those lines when he finally saw the long preview. Afterwards, by the smile on his face I could tell he liked it, but I had to be sure. I hope he didn't think I was trying to rub it in as "I told you so". I just wanted to make sure, because I told him if he hated it, THEN he could give me shit about it and we could go watch a "man" movie.
Anyway, the film was really good. An awful lot of people coming together and moving apart. Some of my favorite actors giving great performances. Can Alan Rickman actually play a part where he's not a sly, cheeky (yet loveable) bastard? I always seem to forget what an amazing actress Laura Linney is, but once again she had a remarkable part and was wonderful to watch. I've never really understood the attraction of Liam Neeson, but the relationship between him and his stepson was very... rewarding. I could say that of the whole film. It was probably Colin Firth's storyline that I liked the best. Some great dialogue between him and his Portuegese housekeeper, especially about eels when they're in a pond. Hugh Grant has some serious puppy-dog eyes, not lost on me in this film, but something about Colin Firth just makes me want to give him a big hug and kiss on the forehead and make him tea. And then maybe make out later.
Keira Knightly looked sensational in her wedding gown, and then she looked like a mutated freak. Seriously, she had freakishly long teeth with gaps between all of them, so that she looked sickly. Combined with the fact that she looked like a walking skeleton, and I'm seriously wondering if she's anorexic or bulimic. Receeding gums are a symptom of too much weight loss. And if those aren't receeding gums, then she's had a botched job to fix her smile at the dentist's or something. It was creepy.
The man who fancied her called her "perfect", and that just reminds me of this scene in The Anniversary Party. Where two men (Kevin Kline & Alan Cumming?) are admiring Gwyneth Paltrow and her "perfect tits". Or "fabulous tits". Or was it "great tits"? Anyway, they were definitely blind, or those lines were written before Paltrow was cast, because she has NO tits.
I am *so* sorry to dig on Keira and Gwyneth, whom I think are really gorgeous. But honestly, they could really use some meat on them.
SUN 11.23.03 @ 10:56pm
I was a good girl today. I did some cleaning. I did Christmas shopping. I did more cleaning. I answered emails. In general, I interracted with the world. Quite unusual for me. Especially on a Sunday.
No, I haven't written a fucking word for Nanowrimo. Wanted to, but copped out. Oh well. I really think I'd rather focus on cleaning house this week, in case the neices stop by while they're in town over Thanksgiving.
I'm really hoping this is going to be a special Christmas. Not perfect, since John is in, um... Bahrain I think. And the girls don't get here until the day after Christmas. But I have already bought lots of gifts. We've bought lights for the house. I want to march out and by a tree as soon as I wake up Friday morning. And drink cocoa while trimming it.
This strange duality in me, I adore Halloween and being evil, but Christmas will always be my favorite holiday.
And on December first I can stop feeling guilty about not writing, and crack open a book or two.
Speaking of duality, am I crazy to completely adore my husband and be content with our life together, but still desire the esteem of random men? Is this a female thing? A low-self-esteem thing? A crazy thing? I don't want to date guys. Or make out. Or exchange emails. But it's always pleasant to be hit on by a stranger, even if it's only because you used a stock-photo of some skinny-assed chick as your profile pic at Suicide Girls. Even after you put up a note saying IT'S NOT A PICTURE OF ME!!!
You'd think being able to read would be a prerequisite for being able to use the internet.
OMG, Suicide Girls now lets you pick FIVE of your favorite girls! And I still had to axe two in order to make room. May I suggest a sampling of the following?
Rabbit, Bettina, Lucille, Nic, Claudia
ps: Alias is so rad. When is Sidney gonna take down that bitch and get her man back? She needs some sweet lovin' from Vaughn something fierce. Poor sweetie-girl.
pps: is it wrong to dig that Black Eyed Peas song playing in that stupid satelite radio commercial where the guy drives his car up to the 44th floor to go to work without missing a beat?
SAT 11.22.03 @ 11:50pm
word count: 14,572
pages: 39
Today is Suicide Girls day. I received not 1 but TWO pickup lines in my hotmail inbox delivered by the SG system. So I went over for the first time in quite awhile to see what was up that would make me so popular. Haven't quite figured it out, but for some reason 8 people have commented on my journal there since October. WTF?
Anyway, before I could really get a chance to poke around (not sure how I feel about the new layout) and check out the new ladies, I saw that there was a photo set of their gig for Real Sex on HBO. And it was running tonight at 11! It was 10:56pm.
Why did Missy move the gang to LA? SG always felt kind of "local" being just down in Portland. Oh well. I guess the site is a MUCH larger industry than she ever expected, and LA can better serve that. I wonder if the guy she started it up with is still around. I think his name was Spooky.
I would fact check, but for some reason the site is down. Probably because the Real Sex segment of them just finished, and they probably just got a BAZILLION hits from it.
It was a very cool Real Sex segment. Saw some of my favorite girls there, including the lovely Bettina. And I have to say, I am so envious of all their tattoos. I want to get some more very badly, but I have issues. Money issues. Pain issues. Body image issues. In the end, I'll probably never have another one, and I'm usually ok with that.
But I just want to reiterate, I love SG. It is so amazingly empowering. So inspiring. Those girls rock. They have body issues and they bare it all anyway. They're comfortable with their sexuality. Comfortable with their bodies. They're afraid of being dorks. They enjoy each other's company. Missy sounds like a little girl. They're just like me, and that's so cool.
Anyway, I'm missing the rest of Real Sex. An *amazing* HBO show that you should all see. Including me! Ciao.
SUN 11.16.03 @ 10:41pm
word count: 13,829
pages: 37
I'm not giving up, but I realize it's highly unlikely I'll meet the 50,000 word goal. I will perservere until day 30 though, you can be sure. I will just perservere less often.
November is turning out to be a month to remember, whether I like it or not. You know that old quote, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans"? Well, that's what Nanowrimo is like, and the past month or so.
I ran over a cat. At least, this is what I find myself telling people. I didn't actually run over the cat. I don't know how to explain it. I saw the cat ran over. I was going to write an entry where I wrote about how excruciatingly horrible that was. Every detail. Talk about how I think I went into shock after I went into the road and picked it up to move out of the way.
One of the three most traumatizing moments in my life. But I'll spare you all the gory details, as they really were gory, and that would not be kind. I was especially unkind to Eric, who I told almost every detail to. Almost.
I was reminded today how much goodness there is in the world. I forget it sometimes. It's so easy to forget the good things, because it's the bad ones that stick so jarringly in your mind.
Saturday morning I was up at dawn, worrying about the possibility of rabies. I waited until 9am, and then called the Group Health consulting nurse. She assured me it was a very low-risk situation, and then spent a lot of time consoling me about the cat. Telling me how much more traumatizing it is for a person to watch than the animal itself, because it goes into our long-term memory, and the cat doesn't even have long enough to process it at all. I kind of disagreed with what she was saying, but she was very sweet. She told me I was a very good person for what I did, moving that cat out of the middle of the road.
Today I was buying a little candy to slip into the box going to my brother-in-law stationed over-seas, and I picked up a pre-packaged bag of food worth $8 that the grocery store was selling to people for $5 to donate to Northwest Harvest. The clerk told me what a good person I was for doing this. I think $5 is an incredibly modest, hell, tiny amount to donate to hungry people. But he was very sweet about it.
It's just... nice to know that there are good people in the world for once. I told myself to come home and write this down, so there would be some record, the next time I had a run-in with some crazy driver and I lose all faith in humanity.
This is an amazingly scattered entry, but alot of scattered thoughts have been coming to me over the past few days. Even more annoying, I'm not sure when I'm going to get to post this. We picked up our server (finally) from the Madhouse last weekend, and Eric has yet to tell me how to update my website. I finally asked the other day, and he said he needed to "set something up." Hmm.
We saw Brother Bear yesterday. It was very good. I'm so sad they're doing away with conventional animation at Disney. Even sadder that their last conventionally animated movie will be Home on the Range. It looks horrible. Brother Bear was great, and it had all my favorite things about Disney: an appreciation for nature and peace, happy people at harmony with each other and nature, and animals that talk. The only thing missing was a cool female hero. Although there was one vital female character, she wasn't the lead. :(
SAT 11.08.03 @ 10:46pm
word count: 6,701
pages: 17
I am really hating this process. I'm constantly questioning myself and my worth because of Nanowrimo. Is it worse to not set goals for yourself, or to set goals and then fail at them? One of the more boring (ie: I didn't pay much attention) psych classes in college, I have a slight recollection of the methods of people who have a fear of failure versus a fear of success. Something about one set aims to high so that it's not their fault when they don't succeed - the mission was obviously impossible to begin with. The other set would create very low goals, to always succeed, so as not to face the possibility of failure - ever. I think I'm missing something here, summarizing badly, leaving stuff out. Whatever.
I'm pretty sure I don't have a fear of success. I definitely have a fear of failure, sometimes. Other times, it's not that bad. Other times, I just don't give a damn.
I've created this comfy life for myself, but I'm restless. I feel like I'm not a good enough person. I'm not productive enough. Or something. I can't quite figure it out, actually.
But, kind of like the whole "kindergarten teacher" idea, one day I realized, what the hell: maybe I *was* supposed to be a writer. Maybe I should just grow up, stop being wishy-washy, and get to it. So, hell, Nanowrimo would be a great test, right?
But I had some bad prep time. I really wanted more time to pick my project. Running out of time, I picked the "easiest" task. Yet, here I am, staring at the gaping jaws of Failure. That big "F" word.
Fuck.
I don't want to talk about the Matrix. I don't think I can bare it. I would just like to ask, who the fuck decided to let George Lucas write the ending? Hasn't anyone noticed what a FUCK writer he is? FUCK!!!!!!! The last scene even looked dumb.
There were scenes where I literally cringed at the cheesiness. I shit you not.
It went from Brilliant in the first, to ...cool...uh, huh, what?... in the second, to cool...uh...cool...ugh...cool...barf... in the third.
OK. I'll shut up. I hate people who talk about movies I haven't seen yet.
I also saw Monster's Ball finally, as it was on cable. It was a strange movie, but it was finally obvious why Miss Halle "Big Slice o' Heaven" Berry won an Oscar for it. But, shit, did they have to have those sex scenes in there? Now I'm really fucked up. Not only do they go throwing in lots of themes of death sandwiched around some hot sex, but the hot sex was 1/2 participated in by Billy Bob "Ugly Mother Fucking Bastard" Thornton. Talk about heebee jeebees.
And then I watched roughly half of The Graduate. I had no idea it was supposed to be humorous. Er, at least... amusing, in a "Dustin Hoffman always is kinda quirky" kinda way. And, well, it's kind of disturbing that Anne Bancroft was ever that attractive. To me, she'll always be Harvey Fierstein's mother in Torch Song Trilogy.
And I finally saw it, why everyone always said Pete looks like Dustin Hoffman. Very, very creepy, since DH was in his early 20's at the time, and that's how old Pete was the last time any of us saw him. There's something very different about them, but something eerily the same.
Keanu Reeves is 39. He has gotten older looking as the movies progressed. But also sadder. In real life too. Is it weird to be worried about someone famous? Because I worry about him. Especially now that his sister is sick.
So, I'm 30 years old. And I don't really mind anymore. It was pretty disturbing to turn 30. But I'm finding more and more gray hairs on my head, and I find it kind of amusing. I find it amusing to be getting older. I don't quite know why.
I wonder what it will feel like to turn 40. I think 36 will be the year that really gets to me. For some reason, my mother is eternally 36 in my head. I'm not sure why. But it will be weird to become 36 myself.
I wonder if Eric and I are too immature and self-centered to become parents. You do not want to see this house. There is no excuse for how filthy it is, not even Nanowrimo.
I think my lack of skills with time management and my lack of will power are combining to "do me in" on Nanowrimo. Plus looking at the page and not getting my characters. Not caring about them. Part of me wants to jump ahead to a scene that will make me care about them, but I want to write this in order so that I can get to know them so those scenes make sense.
I am a horrible speller. Forgive me for all the things I didn't catch, because I lost track of how many words I slaughtered and immediately had to correct.
ps: Halloween kicked ass. We gave away 24 treat bags. Eric says we will get more next year, once word-of-mouth gets round that we're a "cool house." The goodie bags were a big hit. See-through, parents didn't have to be alarmed about opening them, and the kids could see how generous we were with the candy. I'm so brilliant.
I only wish I hadn't forgotten the Life Savers. Every year my Gramma gave out those little white treatbags, the ones with the orange and black Halloween scenes (I think there was a big orange moon, so it was more orange than black). Almost without fail the same candy would be inside each year. At least the Snickers and Life Savers always were. I forgot the Life Savers. Damn.
SUN 11.02.03 @ 10:05pm
word count: 4995
page count: 13
I took a stage dive into 1st person. Fuck. I can never stay away from first person. Totally upped the word count though, so we'll see where this goes.
Did I mentioned I cut my hair and dyed it red - really red? I finally went forth and did it, after toying with the idea for over a month on the drive home the night before Halloween. Decided it would be easier to look goth with red hair. Not convinced I like what this Revlon "10 minutes only" crap did to my hair, but everyone else keeps raving about it, so I've vowed to shut up about it.
I checked out Third Place Books today, since I hadn't been there in a few months. I'm intimidated to meet new people, but there's supposed to be a Nanowrimo meet there Wednesday, and I'd really like to do at least one get-together.
For $50 I bought 4 used books and the new Anne Rice. I discovered that when a bookstore doesn't have an "Erotica" section, head to the "Anthology" section in Fiction. I hate wiping out a majority of a store's Erotica section, but it serves them right for having such pathetic selections.
Alias is coming on. Here's to hoping I can somehow keep watching all my favorite shows AND write 50,000 words this month. I'm 1/10th of the way there.
SUN 11.02.03 @ 12:28pm
We had our first snow of the season early this AM. Of course, by the time we woke up for real, it was bright and clear out, and not a snowflake in sight. No accumulation. Quite alright. It's still just November.
So yesterday was day one. Off to a painful start, I spent nearly all the daylight hours in front of my computer and barely managed to eek out 3 pages. We went to see Kill Bill last night, and it was magnificent. Sexy, fast, fun, beautiful, brilliant. And who the hell was it knocking the soundtrack. I thought it was a perfect finishing touch. I'm so glad they saved Lucy Liu until the pinnacle, because that scene in the snow was just gorgeous. Quentin Tarantino rocks my socks.
And QT did something else for me. He turned me on. I came home and cranked out 3 more pages in just over an hour.
So today is day two. My husband is off at a Seahawks game with a friend, and it's just me and my computer. And some microwave blueberry pancakes and bacon. Blueberry pancakes always have and always will remind me of Susan.
I'm down to my last bite. Time to get cracking. Ciao.
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