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THU 1.29.04 @ 10:53pm
Monday I did a bike machine for 5 minutes to warm up, then did my "resistance training" machines. Tuesday I was fighting off hunger, a headache, and lightheadednes, so I tried the bike for 20 minutes then went home. Can you believe it told me I only burned 87 calories? All the way home, all I could think about was that you burn that much just sitting on your ass all day. By BREATHING.
Later, Eric told me it's because the bike didn't take into account my weight. He said I probably burned alot more than that.
Yesterday I left work early and went to bed for about an hour with a migraine. I woke up at six and the migraine was mostly gone, but I was so befuddled and tired and cranky and hungry, I just stayed home while he went to the gym.
Today I biked for 10 minutes to warm up, and spent about 40 minutes on the machines.
At the height of my fitness level last gym season (um, yah), I was warming up for 5 minutes on bike, lifting for about a half hour, then biking for 20-25 minutes after that. My goal is to work up to that again. Every day. I think it will take a while. And a little more committment from me. I thought about doing it today, but Eric does not combine lifting and cardio in one session, so when he was done with his 1/2 hour of cardio, he went home. I took one look at his sweaty face, heard the phrases "home" and "dinner", and all I could think about was leaving. I caved.
Maybe tomorrow, but I think I'm pushing my limits going to the gym on a Friday night as it is.
Actually, what I really wanted to write about was the people I encounter at the gym. People aren't afraid to make eye contact with you there. To me, it's kind of like a giant locker room. You can look, but don't stare and definitely don't make eye contact. Men make me nervous. Attractive, buff men make me nervous. OK, hot, sweaty strangers with tattoos who aren't afraid to make eye contact make me nervous. *blush*
Maybe I should join an all-female gym. But caving into my fears is not my style. OK, maybe it is sometimes. But I try really, really hard to meet the irrational fears head on. And some of these guys are friendly. None of them leer. None of them look at me like I'm out of place or fat or ugly.
Yes, we are in Mysie's Irrational Fear territory, for sure. Hence, I will beat it down with a stick. One day at a time.
You know, I'm really surprised at how much of the gym population has at least 1 tattoo on them. Many have more than one. In fact, I think people with tattoos out number non-tattooers. By alot. Is that a Seattle thing? A gym thing? A North Seattle gym thing?
THU 1.29.04 around 12 noon
So I remember one of the things I wanted to talk about was music. Two big radio stations in Seattle switched their format at the same time, and sound pretty much like twins of each other now. That's actually a good thing, except for the weirdness of switching channels and hearing something you just heard 10 minutes ago. Or, as happened in the car one night, hearing the same song on both channels, one just seconds ahead of the other.
Good because instead of having one station as my mainstay and 3 barely-tolerables if my favorite gets annoying, I now have 3 favorites and 1 barely tolerable back-up. Cool. Both stations can play Nirvana until your ears bleed, but we all grew up on them & Sound Garden & Alice in Chains, so that's ok. One plays more Police than the other. They both really dig The Cure. And one of them kept playing that PJ Harvey song I totally dig but couldn't find no matter how many CD's I got of hers for Christmas.
*snicker*
Long story short, after searching up the lyrics, I was led to a band called Muse. No mention at UBL of them ever working with PJ Harvey, so WTF? Found a sample snippet on Amazon and thought to myself, you know, this sounds kind of like Radiohead. Because UBL pointed out Muse gets likened to Radiohead by critics. Then I burst out laughing, when I realized the vocalist was a MAN and not PJ Harvey.
My husband agrees, even the guitars sound like PJ Harvey. It's not just me. I still think it's hilarious.
Anyway, another thing The End plays that the other doesn't play is Bob Marley. Why? I really couldn't tell you. I don't much care for reggae. After a few days in Jamaica, I pretty much decided I hated it. There are many bands out there with reggae influences like Rancid, Sublime, Madness, and No Doubt that I totally dig. But not because they sound like reggae.
And oddly enough, after playing lots of Bob Marley I don't really like over the past few weeks, they finally played a song I've never heard before by him and I liked it. And it didn't sound like reggae. I think it was called Revolution Song. It was very, very good.
Also cool, this same station played the version of "Mad World" from the Donnie Darko soundtrack yesterday. Tres chic. I meant to whip out Donnie Darko last night and watch it all over again just because it reminded me how cool that movie was, but last night was sooo not a good night.
So I think just now I've figured out the difference between the two stations. The End plays more out-there stuff you never hear on the radio, and the other station (formerly the Point), still tends to play the same songs over and over. They used to play "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman over and over and over and over. I now *hate* that song. I forget which song it is now, but my husband has found a new song that they seem to do the same thing to. And they definitely seem to have a more limited playlist than The End. Oh well, no one's perfect.
WED 1.28.04 @ 10:30pm
I can only think of one thing more frustrating than wanting to update your blog and having nothing interesting to say: wanting to update your blog and having no time or energy to do it. A million things have been zipping through my head lately, and the days have been so full, I haven't had a chance to write them down.
When I took an art class last year, the teacher said something about most people who give up trying to draw do so because they become frustrated with their inability to realistically put what they see onto paper. That's me. It seems, that's also me with a camera. I was very gung-ho about my camera for a long time. I wanted to photograph everything. And for a while I did. And some of my shots were very good. But most of the ones I really wanted to turn out just didn't. Mostly the shots of nature and natural beauty. So I don't take my camera on trips anymore. Because I don't want to be let down, and I also don't want my focus to be on taking the perfect shot. I want it to be on having a nice time and enjoying my surroundings while it's happening, instead of recording the moment for posterity.
There was one shot last weekend I wish I could have gotten. We were on that trip to Snohomish. The foothills around the mountains are so gorgeous. Natural scenery that espouses the reason why I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. There's nothing more perfect in nature than hills covered in tall pines, swathed in wisps of fog.
It was glorious, almost two dimensional close. Like some people say you can lay and look at the stars and almost reach out and touch them. I had this moment of looking at those trees, the hill almost vertical, and it was so serene and surreal and almost 2 dimensional, I wanted to just reach out. I really thought I might have been able to reach.
NEICES GO TO BED RIGHT NOW!
I also wanted to talk about dick. hehe. See how I slipped that in there?
I just finished two Poppy Z. Brite books in a row, and in between have been reading The Best American Erotica 2003, edited by that Goddess of Sex known as Susie Bright. And boy on boy action gets me so hot. Lost Souls was about vampires, a new definition of them that I didn't particularly like, but I liked the story and the homo love. Yes. However, Drawing Blood was the superior book. Better characters and AWESOME sex. No vamps, just a haunted house and cute boys getting it on. Mmmm...
TBAE2003 so far has had one of the hottest sex scenes I've ever read. Something about it felt like how I write my erotica. Very nasty and explicit and honest. Laurell K. Hamilton also reminds me of the way I write, but hardly ever "nasty". She still writes scorching sex scenes though.
Speaking of Miss LKH, I pre-ordered my copy of the next Merry Gentry book, Seduced By Moonlight. For straight sex, the series is actually better than the Anita Blake books. But I read Anita Blake for the characters and stories, so those are the ones I'm dying to read. Still, I re-read the Merry books in December and I've been practically sitting on my hands trying to keep from going nuts with anticipation of Merry #3.
Doesn't Amazon ship pre-orders so they arrive at your place on the day it's released? That's why I caved instead of waiting to go to a store. No trip on release day. Plus, I got some other groovy stuff off of my wish list, and some Nancy Kress I didn't even know existed! Exciting, except I'm wishing I hadn't clicked "ship all together". Having to wait until Feb. 3 to get even one nugget of goodness is very frustrating. Oh well, I guess it will be like another Christmas, with a whole box full o' goodies.
This isn't nearly all the things going through my head lately, but it's a start. And, actually, I can't remember the rest now. Typical. Always get ideas to paper ASAP. Genuinely brilliant ideas may come to you again later, but tiny tidbits of life knowledge to share with the world generally doesn't. Bah.
MON 1.26.04 @ 7:34pm
For the record, today I weigh 201 pounds. I am a size 16W or a 1X. Meaning clothes that start in sizes for "regular" women and go up to 16 probably won't fit me. But in "Plus" sized women's clothes that start at 14, I will wear a 16. Some XL shirts fit me, but XXL is too big. My large chest and vaguely hour-glass waist require a 1X to look appropriately fitted on me, again, only available in "women's" or "plus" sizes.
Today we started "the routine". 5 days a week of going to the gym after work. Eric would like to fit in some cardio over the weekend, but I require a routine to get anything done, so I think that 6th workout just isn't going to happen. Not anytime soon anyway.
I am hopefully closer to making my peace with food. I've realized over the past few months that I seem to have a problem I never knew I had - indulging in food to compensate for life. Today I turned down a peanut butter cookie. We'll see how steadfast I can be when someone waves a brownie in front of me at 4pm on a Thursday.
The "routine" is a work-week of: non-fat breakfast, a low-fat lunchcicle at work, 1 or 2 non-fat snacks during work as needed, 32-48 oz. of water a day, and a "sensible" dinner. Dinner is where I am most likely to fail, as I'm such a finicky eater. I don't have many healthy options for dinners, unless I start cooking, and with the tight schedule, that's probably not going to happen.
Following Eric's diet, we will eat what we like on the weekends. But not binge. Binge-ing is bad.
My year-end goal is 180 pounds. That's only 20 pounds to lose. My life-goal is 160 pounds. My fantastical goal is 140. It's always nice to dream of looking like a knock-out, right?
Wish me luck. Send me strength. Please keep the brownies away from me. Thank you.
WED 1.21.04 @ 6:01pm
Finally, El Gato has a Big Bro': El Diablo. They are getting along swimmingly. It's ABOUT FUCKING TIME I got a bigger hard drive.
80GB is a lot of room for mp3's. Other than that and The Sims, I don't know what else I'm going to throw on there. But I just know that eventually I'm going to hit that limit. But that will probably be around the time I break down and get a G5. Or G6. In about 2 years or so.
It's going to be sweet, being able to listen to my entire mp3 collection at one time. For some reason the external drive just does not react well with OS X. It burps while playing music from the drive if you try to use another program. I was afraid adding a 2nd hard drive would create the same problem, but it looks like not. I have yet to test the Sims. Wish me luck.
SAT 1.17.04 @ 12:09am
when Eric handed me one of my birthday cd's, he did so with the phrase, "I do this against my better judgement." I giggled when I saw it was The Very Best of Daryl Hall & John Oates. Even felt a little silly about having asked for it. OK, a lot silly. But I've been butt-dancing in my chair this evening to it, and I'm really glad I asked for it. I never realized how much I liked Hall & Oates. And I don't think I'm a bad person for saying that.
I am a little sore from last night's lifting, but not much. My legs seem completely recovered, while my arms hurt whenever I flex. It's weird how many times you flex the muscles of your inner arms by your shoulder, and those ones right across from them on your upper chest. Turning on and off a faucet, holding your cat in the air, opening a bottle of coke, washing dishes.
Tomorrow we head into that mystical wilderness known as... Snohomish County! I'm still trying to figure out why we're driving North of Everett to look at Eagles all weekend, when we could spend the weekend at Eric's parents and drive a few blocks to do the same. We're all going to some resort or something. That happens to be on a military base. Um, yah. Anyway, I anticipate much present receiving, so that will be nice. :) Of course, just being with family is always good too.
So is not having to buy your own meals all weekend. :D
THU 1.15.04 @ 11:02pm
Oh yah, my birthday! I had a pretty good one. We went out to dinner at Andaluca. I'm not ashamed to admit I like to go there purely because of the Autumn Hash (yams!) that comes with the Pork Tenderloin, and the Liquid Chocolate dessert. There bread tastes funny and comes with hummus instead of butter, which I don't care for much. Their salads are funky things prettier to look at that they are tasty to eat. Their "shareables" don't sound at all appetizing. But the Autumn Hash is very yummie. The pork is pretty good. Eric's steak was sooo tender. And the Liquid Chocolate? To die for. We fight over who gets the last spoonfuls every time.
I got lots of CDs (PJ Harvey, Nelly Furtado, Crystal Method + more), a book (naughty!), and a DVD (Eddie Izzard!!). Plus a game, but I'm not allowed to open it until after I get my presents this weekend, as someone else may have also purchased it for me. So it sits there taunting me!!!
Can you believe that PJ song isn't on either of the CDs I got for my birthday??? I'm thinking it's maybe on one of the two that I already owned, the one that I've never really listened too much. PJ is an aquired taste. I didn't care for the 2nd cd of hers I purchased, so I burned 1 song and probably never listened to the others again. Hmmm...
So, about work. I'm not fired. Unfortunately, that sentence must still be followed with the word "yet". There is major restructuring about to happen at Westwind. We have individual meetings on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm somehow more nervous, and yet more hopeful at the same time. Wish me luck. I'm not sure what luck will have to do with it, but it would be nice to have some anyway.
THU 1.15.04 @ 10:53pm
I'm very tired. I was at work from 8am until 5:30pm. I haven't worked hours like that in NOB knows how long. And I can't remember the last time I was at work that early, let alone awake early enough to do it. Then tonight I finally went to the gym with Eric.
It was good to be back, although I was really nervous. This is a much bigger gym, a lot more intense people there. I had my groove on at my old gym, knew the machines and the people who worked there. There were some really serious male lifters. But only 1 or 2, maybe 3 at any given time. It's true we went at the busiest time tonight, but the free-weight area was just packed with serious lifters. Some of them the size of professional lifters, including the manager. Yikes.
Anyway, aside from being nervous, feeling new, and not knowing how any of the machines worked, I think I did ok. The 5-minute warm up on the bizarre cross-country ski machine was the hardest part. My arms are still pretty wimpy compared to my legs. Almost no weight on the arm machines, and I'm shaking after doing just 6 or 7 reps. I'm lucky if I can finish 2 complete sets. I wasn't very lucky tonight! My legs kick ass though. I've always been able to push more weights on my legs than any girl I've ever known. And despite being out of it for about a year now, I was pretty close to where I was when I was last at the gym.
Now if only I can stand more than 5 minutes of cardio at a time. Next time the bike. Definitely the bike. Even if I have to stand around like a doofus and wait for one.
Anyone ever done pilates? The gym includes free classes, and from what I've heard pilates is right up my alley, and it's at a pretty good time. I might try it next week.
WED 1.14.04 @ 9:23am
Just in time for my birthday!
From The Hobbit Name Generator:
My hobbit name: Tigerlily Peatfingers of Brockenborings
My husband's hobbit name: Fredegar Peatfingers of Brockenborings
From The Elvish Name Generator:
My Elvish name: Tári Elendil
My husband's Elvish name: Elladan Elendil
Then there's the Middle Earth Name Generator:
According to the Red Book of Westmarch, In Middle-earth, Mysie Lynn Cairns was a Daring Warg
What on Middle Earth is a DARING WARG???
Elven Name Possibilities: Telepsulë, Telepsulëiel, Telepsulëien, Telepsulëwen
I definitely like Tári Elendil better!
Hobbit Lass: Primrose Green from Combe
I think I like Tigerlily better
Dwarven Name: Káin Stormhands
And quite possibly my favorite:
Orkish Name: Globkrísh the Cruel
WED 1.14.04 @ 12:46am
Here's my birthday Dilbert:
I don't read the horoscopes anymore, except on my Birthday, when I try to read as many different ones as I can find.
Jeraldine Saunders, Horoscope columnist for The Seattle Times and The Washington Post, has this to say about my birthday:
IF JANUARY 14 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY . . . you are highly competitive and strong-willed; the idea of losing to someone else is almost unbearable. Active, energetic and persistent, you also can be extremely intuitive. Make sure you pay attention to your inner voice. You are a formidable presence in any situation and may need to make an effort to avoid intimidating others. You like to be on the go.
And for today, she tells me:
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Creativity in writing and speaking flows strongly, and you may feel the urge to be more unconventional than is your wont. Don't be afraid to try something new. Mercury enters Capricorn today, so the gods of communication are with you.
Horoscope.com gives me this birthday advice:
For those of us born on: January 14
Happy Birthday: Obstacles have stood in your way and you have had to fight hard to get ahead. Your approach must change before you will feel any relief. Putting too much pressure on yourself has been part of your problem in the past. It's often the simple route that brings the most in return. -- Birthday Baby: You have a progressive attitude and approach to life that takes everyone by surprise. Your peers look up to you and you stand out in the crowd because of your strong beliefs and dedication.
And here's what they say I should expect of today:
Your Horoscope for January 14 , 2004
Don't get all worked up if things don't go your way. Expect to have to put in extra time and work. Change is probably inevitable, so prepare to accept it.
Today's Motivational Quote:
One must never be in haste to end a day. There are too few of them in a lifetime.
-- Dale Coleman
WED 1.14.04 @ 12:13am
I am now officially 31 years old. I don't feel any different. If you want to get technical, I was born at 7:35am Hawaiian time. Hawaii is either 2 or 3 hours behind Pacific, depending on Daylight Savings, I'm not sure which it is at the moment. So technically, I don't turn 31 until 9:35 or 10:35 later this morning.
My husband gave me an early birthday present, kind of like opening a present the night before Christmas Eve. He told me to pick a number between 1-10. Apparently #9 was PJ Harvey's Rid of Me! I am very happy. What I've heard so far sounds awesome. Well, I've only heard 10-20 seconds of each of the songs, checking for that song The End has been playing. It's not on there. *sigh* Oh well, it will be a nice change to listen to at work tomorrow. I think if I play John Mayer one more time there, someone might throw something hard at me.
Happy Birthday, me. Here's to not getting fired on Thursday. Stupid 8am mandatory staff meetings. I remember when we would close an hour early one Wednesday evening each month, and get paid to have big group discussions and the shop techs would ramble on forever. Sometimes we got treats. Sometimes we had fights. Sometimes we stuffed envelopes. Those were the good old days. *sigh*
I should really be in bed. I can't sleep. I wonder why?
TUE 1.13.04 @ 6:42pm
My birthday is tomorrow. I hope I get some PJ Harvey CDs. The End has just changed their format, and plays this PJ Harvey song I've never heard before. I hear it maybe once a day, but they never say what it's called. I adore this song.
So, tomorrow's my birthday. I was hoping to go see the Seattle Opera put on Carmen. Of course, I didn't think of this until last... Friday. They are all sold out except for 1 or 2 performances at the end of the month. I had my heart set on this idea of going out on my birthday, first to dinner at Andaluca and then Carmen. And it was just ruined when I found out Carmen was sold out. I'm being a baby, thinking it's not worth it to go 2 weeks after my birthday.
But that's what I'm doing. Moping.
Even better, it seems I may be getting fired on Thursday. Yay.
TUE 1.13.04 @ 6:36pm
I've seen 3 movies in the last week. The Hours, Mona Lisa Smile, and Adaptation.
The Hours was kind of boring. Not in the I-wish-I-hadn't-bothered sort of way though. It just was kind of slow, and sometimes not engaging enough. I have a crush on Julianne Moore, so it was easy to be glued to the screen watching her. Even if she was impossibly sad and depressed.
Watching Nicole Kidman was just... so weird. She really looked completely different. I have no idea how true-to-life they kept her Virginia Wolf character, but it really reminded me of this short story we read in college called The Yellow Wallpaper. It was a really depressing piece about a Victorian woman who was brought to a new town, a new house, for her health. And her room is a room with Yellow Wallpaper. And as time progresses, she spends less and less time out of it. And she sees a mirror of herself in the wallpaper, trapped behind the bars made behind the pattern. It's eerie and real. As someone with depression and an over-active imagination can attest, it was very, very real. And many of the things Nicole Kidman's character said or did reminded me of that poor woman, trapped in her room of Yellow Wallpaper.
Meryl Streep's character. I have to be honest, I just didn't really get her. And I think the only reason why I "got" Julianne & Nicole was because they were playing depressed women. Meryl didn't really strike me as depressed. Obsessive and a little lost, and of course upset at the impending death of the man she loves.
I think it was really just a failure of the script. Because you saw some moving performances there. But there just wasn't enough screen time for anyone to really, really feel for them.
Then there was Mona Lisa Smile. I adore all of the known actresses in that film. Julia Roberts, Maggie Gyllenhall, Kirsten Dunst, and Julia Stiles. They're all amazing. And they all fit their parts really well. But... the story was too disjointed. I suppose it wasn't just about one person's year. But the school year of one classroom of girls and their teachers. But it just didn't really work very well. There just wasn't enough of a story there. I think Julia Stiles was the hottest. I wish she would have dinner on the table for me every night at 5pm. *sigh*
And finally Adaptation, which was on cable last night. Spike Jonze is a bizarre man, there's no other way to say it. Nicholas Cage didn't win anything for this, did he. Fuck, he should have. The role was just... astounding. Whereas "Being John Malkovich" is less about getting to know the characters and more about this bizarre, bizarre concept, "Adaptation" is very much about getting into Nicholas Cage's head. The head of a pathologically insecure, shy, nervous, brilliant man. And then, whoops, 3/4 of the way through the film you get a real plot. Bizarre. I liked it. But, just like "Being John Malkovich", I don't see the need to ever watch it again. Once was enough, thank you very much.
TUE 1.13.04 @ 6:16pm
Nancy Kress is one of my favorite writers, having written my second favorite book, Beggars in Spain. Nancy doesn't produce books fast enough for me. But I picked up two of her older ones that I didn't have from a used bookstore on Sunday.
I read Brainrose over two days. Very, very Nancy-Kress-ish. Just far enough in the future to seem the same, but very, very different.
I just can't get over the underlying premise of the book though: that the cure for AIDS was found in the late '90s, after almost a decade of violent rioting, hate crimes, and rewriting of the Constitution. Homosexual acts are illegal. The book takes place in 2022, and homophobia is still rampant, and homosexual acts are still a federal offense. It was so hard to get through the book because of this, even though for the most part the homophobia and rhetoric and laws were just sidelines. Hardly mentioned. As the book develops, it sounded more and more like something Greg Bear would write, as it became more and more mystical, religious even.
I'm not religous. In fact, I'm quite anti-religious. So Science Fiction books that evolve into a mystical revelation are kind of a cop-out to me. A cheap ending. But not necessarily unsatisfying. Because of that part of me that finds it so hard to suspend my disbelief. The part of me that thinks anything's possible. Even some bizarre mystical revelation about the nature of the universe.
The only thing wrong with this mystical ending was that I didn't quite get it. Kress likes to throw in a bit of philosophy and a whole crap-load of hard science. The combo in this book left me questioning how the characters came to find the "revelation" a mystical one. Because I didn't quite understand what had happened. Oh well.
But one last thing on the homophobia and AIDS backlash. This book was published in 1990. Weren't we well aware that homosexuals didn't cause AIDS by then??? In fact, they had nothing to do with the disease at all, except that a few gay communities helped spread the disease around the US? The disease that was already all over Africa? If I remember "And The Band Played On..." correctly, it was actually a bisexual Canadian pilot who they believe first brought the disease to North America. And because he was so promiscuis with both men and women, he gave it to dozens and dozens of people who went on to give it to hundreds more because we were in the middle of the easy-sex Sexual Revolution.
Anyway, the book pissed me off. And I'm not sure the story was good enough to make up for the homophobia.
TUE 1.13.04 @ 5:52pm
I think the 2004 elections are fucked. Democrats had an amazing shot at the White House last time around, and obstinate Naderites blew it all away. This time, we've got slim pickings for the Democratic nomination.
Won't someone please get Bush out of power? Soon???
That man scares me. More than ever now. Because before he was just an idiot, a pro-Religion war-mongerer. But lately, I fail to even understand that.
What on earth is up with his illegal-alien workers platform? The Republicans have a long history of shitting all over illegal aliens through denial of health care, education of their children, denying their language, and god knows what else. So what the fuck is this all about?
And Mars? Haven't Republicans been trying to gut/shut-down NASA for the last two decades, for its lack of useful every-day applications? Isn't it some special Republican litmus-test that you have to believe NASA is a waste of money? And Bush wants to go back to the Moon as a jumping-off point for Mars exploration???
The world is a scary, scary place when George W. Bush starts sounding like a reasonable man. Someone hold me.
TUE 1.06.04 @ 9:52am
haha! I finally got my favicon.ico to work! I accidentally found a way around the whole "once Safari bookmarks a site, it never forgets". I went to mysie.com instead of www.mysie.com, and there it was! What the hell is Safari's problem? How many times can I delete the History, clear the Cache, restart, before it STOPS trying to auto-complete addresses I've been to before? Bizarre.
Well, Shoreline, Seattle, and most of Western Washington are in the middle of what appears to be a blizzard. Still 27F as it has been for the past 2-3 days, but today the snow finally arrived. And it's really been dumping. The flakes just in the last half hour turned from small to big, so it should pile up even faster. It's supposed to turn into rain this afternoon, but that will be too late to get into work. My boss actually closed the office. I think that's only the 2nd time he's done that since I've been working there.
I have a history of writing about my dreams, despite knowing that most of my readers don't care about them. But I'm fascinated by them. Fascinated and disturbed. I've been having the most intricate and bizarre dreams since at least high school. Probably the most cliché words out of my mouth are "I had the most bizarre dream last night."
But when I was younger, I had the peace of mind that I knew that my dreams were just dreams, despite their clarity. Until I took a philosophy class at the UW. Intro philosophy seems to be all about whether or not "I" exist. One day we talked about dreams, and how do we know we exist, and we're not really just living another dream? I was very happy that I could prove my existence because there were certain things I never dreamt about: reading, writing, sleeping, dreaming, and eating. Within days of this realization, I had my first dreams about reading. Writing soon followed. Later that quarter, I dreamed about not dreaming. I've never dreamed about waking up or going to sleep, but I've dreamed about lying in bed. I'm not sure about eating.
But it's dreaming that I'm not dreaming that's the most disturbing. I used to have these dreams about visiting Hawaii. I had them so often, and they were so heartbreaking, we planned to finally go there in '99. But then the strangest thing happened. I began having the Hawaii dream, but this time, I almost always said to myself something like, "This time it's not a dream!" And I would wake up and WHAM! Realize it had been a dream. And that was so much worse.
Despite the trip to Hawaii and a short reprieve afterwards, I still have this dream now - that I'm finally visiting again, and this time it's not a dream.
Then there's my other recurring dream. The one about finding a bathroom. I find these very amusing upon waking up. Because they're always about me searches the strangest facilities to try and find a bathroom that isn't occupied, has an actual toilet, and a door. Sometimes, I have to pee in odd places, and I'm convinced it's perfectly normal to take a leak there. I used to wake up from these afraid that I had/would wet the bed, but I never have, so I just find them amusing.
So last night I had another one of those. And when I woke up this morning, I was just struck by the clarity, the detail, the intricacies. There were so many people around, each of them a separate person. It's so strange that it wasn't real.
And that's always been my problem. They're so clear, and so plausable at the time I'm having them, that when I wake up, sometimes I have problems convincing myself it didn't really happen. I've laid in bed many cummulative hours over the years, pondering the nature of dreams. Wondering if maybe it's just an alternate reality.
Unfortunately, this is not a good thing. Because I have problems with reality. This thinking has gotten me into much trouble in the past. Which led me to seek out therapy finally. I'm much better now, much more convinced that dreams are just dreams. But I've never been able to 100% convince myself of anything. My mind always holds out the possibility of the extraordinary, the unexpected. I'm not 100% sure that 2+2=4, that god doesn't exist, or that dreams aren't just a transport into another world. Because if you can't trust math, what can you trust?
SAT 1.03.04 @ 10:27pm
Hello everyone, and welcome to Cerulean, mysie.com layout 5.0. I'm not entirely convinced this blue is truly close enough to Cerulean to call it that, but it was the best name I could think up after wracking my brain these last 2 days. Cerulean is an ocean color, I believe a medium turquoise. This will just have to do.
And all of you who know me, please don't freak out that this is my 2nd blue layout in a month. I have been a staunch nay-sayer to blue since... well, probably since I was in grade school. And once I got older and saw how many kitchen schemes and accessories, etc. are in blue, I was even more turned-off. And with that in mind, I'm not sure how I feel about this layout anymore - it's looking a tad "country kitchen". Eww.
But for most of my life I've been very anti-pink, and I've warmed to that, so who can fault me for warming (cooling?) to blue? Certain blues anyway. Blame it on Christmas. A few years back I caved and bought some pretty blue ornaments and wrapping, and I've been buying more and more since. And I think I have 1 or 2 blue shirts in my wardrobe. So here, I've broken down, and I have a blue layout. It's a really snazzy blue, dontcha think?
Anyway.
Tell me, what exactly is the point of it being 27F outside, and NOT have snow??? The snow from this morning just wasn't enough. It only snowed for about an hour or two, and what hit the ground was promptly blown into a few nooks and crannies, quickly hiding most evidence of its occurence.
We went to the Pacific Science Center today, our last outing with Stephanie and Ashley before they fly back to Reno tomorrow. How they stay interested in that place is beyond me. I guess it helps that we've seen a different IMAX film each time we've gone. There were too many bugs and spiders around today. I was all for seeing the bug movie, until we bought the tickets and they said 3D on them. And they had live spiders on display in jars and terraniums. I got a bit too close to one before I realized what I was doing, and quickly started in with an arachnaphobic panic-attack. I forced myself away before I got carried away though.
The butterflies are much more my speed. One of them hung out on Eric's shoulder for a few minutes. And we saw the butterfly that has "the largest wing-span of any insect", I think they called it an Atlas. It looked more like a giant, brown moth. I'm not quite sure what the difference is between a moth and a butterfly. Growing up I thought moths were brown, and all the other colors were pretty much butterflies. Apparently, that's quite wrong, but damned if I remember what the difference is now.
FYI, the "Space" exhibit at PSC isn't exactly impressive. It gets better than the pointless beginning, I'll give you that. But for too long I thought the entirety of the exhibit would be walls with facts and images on them - BORING. Finally we got to the interactive sections. We got to touch a piece of the moon and a piece of mars. Well, meteorites from them. Not samples collected there. Hmph.
After the Science Center we went out to eat at Zoopa, after much complaining while walking to the cars in the 27F weather. I really can't remember the last time it got this cold here and I was out in it, but I believe it was when I was in high school. Eric thinks our big snow back in '96 or so was this cold, but I'm not convinced. I remember very clearly that it was in the teens for a few days back in the '89 or '90 freeze. And that was in broad daylight with the sun out. Seattle, and Washington in general, just aren't supposed to be that cold!!!
SAT 1.03.04 @ 10:36am
It just started snowing, lightly, really small flakes. And it's windy. So it's like Will o' The Wisp snows out there. I didn't think it was cold enough to snow - it was raining last night.
We went to see The Last Samurai finally. This was a very impressive movie. Have the Oscar noms come out yet? Because I imagine this will be up for a few. The battle scenes reminded me of Braveheart, which actually won best picture.
I think what I liked best about it, other than the scenery and cinematography (which I knew would be excellent going in), was the character development. The characters were all so subtle, slow to reveal themselves. Ken Watanabe's Katsumoto blew me away. And not just because he was extremely sexy. He was both ferocious and calm. Gentle, amusing, intelligent, fierce, strong. It was an amazing role.
I really liked the character of his son, Nobutada (Shin Koyamada), and not just because with his hair pulled back he was reminding me of Legolas. It was also an excellent role, and it was Shin's first, so here's to hoping he'll go far in Hollywood.
The children were excellent. The character of Taka was a little too subtle for me. I didn't quite understand her or her feelings for the men in her life. The single scene of physical interaction between her and Tom Cruise's Algren was electrifying and intense. Tom Cruise has blown me away before with his capactity to display emotion with just a look, but Koyuki as Taka was doing that in the whole movie. The small intimacy between them was hugely satisfying.
The single thing I have against this film was that Tony Goldwyn's death was not satisfying. They made it very clear why Algren hated Bagley, and Bagley was definitely not a compassionate man. He definitely should have understood Algren's conflicts better. But in the end Algren killed him with a vengeance that he should have owed Custer, not his former commanding officer. There was one triumphant sound in the audience when Bagley received his death blow. I didn't see it as a triumph. I think that Bagley was merely a flawed man, dedicated to the wrong things, but who could be honorable. Displayed by his leading men out to battle at the end against Algren instead of standing back with the other commanders.
Once again, a war movie has left me with that cold feeling of uselessness. The uselessness of death in war. But I didn't go numb and horror-filled like when I watched Saving Private Ryan. I can't quite explain why. Except maybe it was because these people were fighting for a more personal cause, and had personally made the decision before hand to die for it. It wasn't any more noble a cause, but at least they were there by choice, instead of command. Like those poor Japanese foot-soldiers slaughtered in the first battle.
Enough death. I'm going to watch Kyra try and attack the Will o' the Wisp snows through the window.
FRI 1.02.04 @ 9:32pm
well, it took almost 24 hours, but my backgrounds are accessable again - because I put them on 6 different pages, instead of relying on the Java. Eric and I were looking at the page last night and, although we don't know why Safari does this, we discovered it's not technically "broken". Once you click on the link for one image, you must click on another link for any other image, then click back on the original image you wanted. And voila! The one you want magically appears the way it's supposed to. Crazy.
As Eric worked today, and I'm obsessive about these things, i spent my entire day just building pages to hold and display them separately. I now have 6 pages of displayed backgrounds, including the ones I've been working on this week. Woo-hoo!
They can be found here:
backgrounds 1 - scans of sanrio & other japanese stickers
backgrounds 2 - abstract symbols
backgrounds 3 - asian patterns 1
backgrounds 4 - asian patterns 2
backgrounds 5 - victorian & celtic designs
backgrounds 6 - old-fashioned floral designs
Other than that, I just wanted to talk about John Mayer. I have 3 of his CDs now, and he is phenomenal. His songs are so emotional, without necessarily being sad. In fact, none of his songs have ever made me sad until today, when I finally got around to popping in his newest CD (thanks for the XMAS present Ian!).
I like music. No, I love music. And I adore a good lyricist. Sting moves me, amuses me to no end. John Mayer is right up there. But this song today, it got to me on so many levels. It invoked so many emotions at one time, I had to listen to it 3 times in a row, and I cried each time. Here are the lyrics. See what they mean to you:
daughters by John Mayer
i know a girl
she puts the color inside of my world
she's just like a maze
where all of the walls all continually change
I've done all i can
to stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now i started to think
maybe its got nothing to do with me.
so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too.
Oh
Oh you see that skin
its the same shes been standing in
since the day you two met
i bet i was on your mind
never ever any time
Oh yeah
so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do, yeah
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too.
boys you can break
find out how much they can take
boys will be strong and
boys soldier on
but boys would be gone
without warmth of a woman's good good heart
on behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
you are the god and the weight of her world
on behalf of ever man
who's looking out for every girl
you are the god and you are the weight of her world
so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too
Back to Mysie, who says: Good night everybody. Be good to each other.
FRI 1.02.04 @ 12:25am
Damn. I thought it was only my computer that was buggy, as I was debating whether I may need a new clock battery. Now that I've got a few new backgrounds to load up to mysie.com, I wanted to see how many were already loaded, and when I click to look at any background, it does not work. Eric set up some bizarre thing in... Java I believe. It works like a charm in IE. And it was working on his PC. It does jack shit in Safari. No image pops up. No error either. It's like you didn't even click on anything.
On the positive side, I think this second "mini" vacation is going better than Christmas did. I am feeling much more relaxed, less wound up. Probably a combination of more sleep in my own bed, more time fucking off at nothing at home, and the concentration required to alter images in Photoshop. Nothing like doing something a little mind-numbing to cleanse the soul, I always say.
It has been trying to snow here all day, with the rain winning out for most of it. It's right on that cusp, and nice and windy, so you feel like you're fucking freezing out there, but yet it's rain hitting your face instead of snow. Well, around 6pm or so the snow started to win. By the time we left the house at 7:30, I'm pretty sure it was pure snow.
We went to dinner and bowling with Heidi, Stephanie & Ashley. It was snowing when we went into Chang's, not doing anything when we left. Nothing as we exited the bowling alley. There was some rain on the drive home, despite passing a thermometer that said 29F. We start to climb up the hill to our neighborhood, and it's snowing. There is a little accumulation on the lawns and cars, but not on the streets or sidewalks. I wonder what it will look like by morning. Hopefully it keeps snowing and accumulating. It would be a nice gift.
Kyra just jumped up to say hello. She is fitting in great. She's becoming quite independent. And obsessively curious about every nook and cranny. The four of us actually all shared the same bed this morning, and we had to purring cats, although they weren't touching each other and had to be petted independently. Oh well, them both happy on the bed at the same time was what I was going for.
Happy New Year everyone. Don't make any resolutions you can't keep. Which is why I never make any.
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Monday I did a bike machine for 5 minutes to warm up, then did my "resistance training" machines. Tuesday I was fighting off hunger, a headache, and lightheadednes, so I tried the bike for 20 minutes then went home. Can you believe it told me I only burned 87 calories? All the way home, all I could think about was that you burn that much just sitting on your ass all day. By BREATHING.
Later, Eric told me it's because the bike didn't take into account my weight. He said I probably burned alot more than that.
Yesterday I left work early and went to bed for about an hour with a migraine. I woke up at six and the migraine was mostly gone, but I was so befuddled and tired and cranky and hungry, I just stayed home while he went to the gym.
Today I biked for 10 minutes to warm up, and spent about 40 minutes on the machines.
At the height of my fitness level last gym season (um, yah), I was warming up for 5 minutes on bike, lifting for about a half hour, then biking for 20-25 minutes after that. My goal is to work up to that again. Every day. I think it will take a while. And a little more committment from me. I thought about doing it today, but Eric does not combine lifting and cardio in one session, so when he was done with his 1/2 hour of cardio, he went home. I took one look at his sweaty face, heard the phrases "home" and "dinner", and all I could think about was leaving. I caved.
Maybe tomorrow, but I think I'm pushing my limits going to the gym on a Friday night as it is.
Actually, what I really wanted to write about was the people I encounter at the gym. People aren't afraid to make eye contact with you there. To me, it's kind of like a giant locker room. You can look, but don't stare and definitely don't make eye contact. Men make me nervous. Attractive, buff men make me nervous. OK, hot, sweaty strangers with tattoos who aren't afraid to make eye contact make me nervous. *blush*
Maybe I should join an all-female gym. But caving into my fears is not my style. OK, maybe it is sometimes. But I try really, really hard to meet the irrational fears head on. And some of these guys are friendly. None of them leer. None of them look at me like I'm out of place or fat or ugly.
Yes, we are in Mysie's Irrational Fear territory, for sure. Hence, I will beat it down with a stick. One day at a time.
You know, I'm really surprised at how much of the gym population has at least 1 tattoo on them. Many have more than one. In fact, I think people with tattoos out number non-tattooers. By alot. Is that a Seattle thing? A gym thing? A North Seattle gym thing?
THU 1.29.04 around 12 noon
So I remember one of the things I wanted to talk about was music. Two big radio stations in Seattle switched their format at the same time, and sound pretty much like twins of each other now. That's actually a good thing, except for the weirdness of switching channels and hearing something you just heard 10 minutes ago. Or, as happened in the car one night, hearing the same song on both channels, one just seconds ahead of the other.
Good because instead of having one station as my mainstay and 3 barely-tolerables if my favorite gets annoying, I now have 3 favorites and 1 barely tolerable back-up. Cool. Both stations can play Nirvana until your ears bleed, but we all grew up on them & Sound Garden & Alice in Chains, so that's ok. One plays more Police than the other. They both really dig The Cure. And one of them kept playing that PJ Harvey song I totally dig but couldn't find no matter how many CD's I got of hers for Christmas.
*snicker*
Long story short, after searching up the lyrics, I was led to a band called Muse. No mention at UBL of them ever working with PJ Harvey, so WTF? Found a sample snippet on Amazon and thought to myself, you know, this sounds kind of like Radiohead. Because UBL pointed out Muse gets likened to Radiohead by critics. Then I burst out laughing, when I realized the vocalist was a MAN and not PJ Harvey.
My husband agrees, even the guitars sound like PJ Harvey. It's not just me. I still think it's hilarious.
Anyway, another thing The End plays that the other doesn't play is Bob Marley. Why? I really couldn't tell you. I don't much care for reggae. After a few days in Jamaica, I pretty much decided I hated it. There are many bands out there with reggae influences like Rancid, Sublime, Madness, and No Doubt that I totally dig. But not because they sound like reggae.
And oddly enough, after playing lots of Bob Marley I don't really like over the past few weeks, they finally played a song I've never heard before by him and I liked it. And it didn't sound like reggae. I think it was called Revolution Song. It was very, very good.
Also cool, this same station played the version of "Mad World" from the Donnie Darko soundtrack yesterday. Tres chic. I meant to whip out Donnie Darko last night and watch it all over again just because it reminded me how cool that movie was, but last night was sooo not a good night.
So I think just now I've figured out the difference between the two stations. The End plays more out-there stuff you never hear on the radio, and the other station (formerly the Point), still tends to play the same songs over and over. They used to play "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman over and over and over and over. I now *hate* that song. I forget which song it is now, but my husband has found a new song that they seem to do the same thing to. And they definitely seem to have a more limited playlist than The End. Oh well, no one's perfect.
WED 1.28.04 @ 10:30pm
I can only think of one thing more frustrating than wanting to update your blog and having nothing interesting to say: wanting to update your blog and having no time or energy to do it. A million things have been zipping through my head lately, and the days have been so full, I haven't had a chance to write them down.
When I took an art class last year, the teacher said something about most people who give up trying to draw do so because they become frustrated with their inability to realistically put what they see onto paper. That's me. It seems, that's also me with a camera. I was very gung-ho about my camera for a long time. I wanted to photograph everything. And for a while I did. And some of my shots were very good. But most of the ones I really wanted to turn out just didn't. Mostly the shots of nature and natural beauty. So I don't take my camera on trips anymore. Because I don't want to be let down, and I also don't want my focus to be on taking the perfect shot. I want it to be on having a nice time and enjoying my surroundings while it's happening, instead of recording the moment for posterity.
There was one shot last weekend I wish I could have gotten. We were on that trip to Snohomish. The foothills around the mountains are so gorgeous. Natural scenery that espouses the reason why I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. There's nothing more perfect in nature than hills covered in tall pines, swathed in wisps of fog.
It was glorious, almost two dimensional close. Like some people say you can lay and look at the stars and almost reach out and touch them. I had this moment of looking at those trees, the hill almost vertical, and it was so serene and surreal and almost 2 dimensional, I wanted to just reach out. I really thought I might have been able to reach.
NEICES GO TO BED RIGHT NOW!
I also wanted to talk about dick. hehe. See how I slipped that in there?
I just finished two Poppy Z. Brite books in a row, and in between have been reading The Best American Erotica 2003, edited by that Goddess of Sex known as Susie Bright. And boy on boy action gets me so hot. Lost Souls was about vampires, a new definition of them that I didn't particularly like, but I liked the story and the homo love. Yes. However, Drawing Blood was the superior book. Better characters and AWESOME sex. No vamps, just a haunted house and cute boys getting it on. Mmmm...
TBAE2003 so far has had one of the hottest sex scenes I've ever read. Something about it felt like how I write my erotica. Very nasty and explicit and honest. Laurell K. Hamilton also reminds me of the way I write, but hardly ever "nasty". She still writes scorching sex scenes though.
Speaking of Miss LKH, I pre-ordered my copy of the next Merry Gentry book, Seduced By Moonlight. For straight sex, the series is actually better than the Anita Blake books. But I read Anita Blake for the characters and stories, so those are the ones I'm dying to read. Still, I re-read the Merry books in December and I've been practically sitting on my hands trying to keep from going nuts with anticipation of Merry #3.
Doesn't Amazon ship pre-orders so they arrive at your place on the day it's released? That's why I caved instead of waiting to go to a store. No trip on release day. Plus, I got some other groovy stuff off of my wish list, and some Nancy Kress I didn't even know existed! Exciting, except I'm wishing I hadn't clicked "ship all together". Having to wait until Feb. 3 to get even one nugget of goodness is very frustrating. Oh well, I guess it will be like another Christmas, with a whole box full o' goodies.
This isn't nearly all the things going through my head lately, but it's a start. And, actually, I can't remember the rest now. Typical. Always get ideas to paper ASAP. Genuinely brilliant ideas may come to you again later, but tiny tidbits of life knowledge to share with the world generally doesn't. Bah.
MON 1.26.04 @ 7:34pm
For the record, today I weigh 201 pounds. I am a size 16W or a 1X. Meaning clothes that start in sizes for "regular" women and go up to 16 probably won't fit me. But in "Plus" sized women's clothes that start at 14, I will wear a 16. Some XL shirts fit me, but XXL is too big. My large chest and vaguely hour-glass waist require a 1X to look appropriately fitted on me, again, only available in "women's" or "plus" sizes.
Today we started "the routine". 5 days a week of going to the gym after work. Eric would like to fit in some cardio over the weekend, but I require a routine to get anything done, so I think that 6th workout just isn't going to happen. Not anytime soon anyway.
I am hopefully closer to making my peace with food. I've realized over the past few months that I seem to have a problem I never knew I had - indulging in food to compensate for life. Today I turned down a peanut butter cookie. We'll see how steadfast I can be when someone waves a brownie in front of me at 4pm on a Thursday.
The "routine" is a work-week of: non-fat breakfast, a low-fat lunchcicle at work, 1 or 2 non-fat snacks during work as needed, 32-48 oz. of water a day, and a "sensible" dinner. Dinner is where I am most likely to fail, as I'm such a finicky eater. I don't have many healthy options for dinners, unless I start cooking, and with the tight schedule, that's probably not going to happen.
Following Eric's diet, we will eat what we like on the weekends. But not binge. Binge-ing is bad.
My year-end goal is 180 pounds. That's only 20 pounds to lose. My life-goal is 160 pounds. My fantastical goal is 140. It's always nice to dream of looking like a knock-out, right?
Wish me luck. Send me strength. Please keep the brownies away from me. Thank you.
WED 1.21.04 @ 6:01pm
Finally, El Gato has a Big Bro': El Diablo. They are getting along swimmingly. It's ABOUT FUCKING TIME I got a bigger hard drive.
80GB is a lot of room for mp3's. Other than that and The Sims, I don't know what else I'm going to throw on there. But I just know that eventually I'm going to hit that limit. But that will probably be around the time I break down and get a G5. Or G6. In about 2 years or so.
It's going to be sweet, being able to listen to my entire mp3 collection at one time. For some reason the external drive just does not react well with OS X. It burps while playing music from the drive if you try to use another program. I was afraid adding a 2nd hard drive would create the same problem, but it looks like not. I have yet to test the Sims. Wish me luck.
SAT 1.17.04 @ 12:09am
when Eric handed me one of my birthday cd's, he did so with the phrase, "I do this against my better judgement." I giggled when I saw it was The Very Best of Daryl Hall & John Oates. Even felt a little silly about having asked for it. OK, a lot silly. But I've been butt-dancing in my chair this evening to it, and I'm really glad I asked for it. I never realized how much I liked Hall & Oates. And I don't think I'm a bad person for saying that.
I am a little sore from last night's lifting, but not much. My legs seem completely recovered, while my arms hurt whenever I flex. It's weird how many times you flex the muscles of your inner arms by your shoulder, and those ones right across from them on your upper chest. Turning on and off a faucet, holding your cat in the air, opening a bottle of coke, washing dishes.
Tomorrow we head into that mystical wilderness known as... Snohomish County! I'm still trying to figure out why we're driving North of Everett to look at Eagles all weekend, when we could spend the weekend at Eric's parents and drive a few blocks to do the same. We're all going to some resort or something. That happens to be on a military base. Um, yah. Anyway, I anticipate much present receiving, so that will be nice. :) Of course, just being with family is always good too.
So is not having to buy your own meals all weekend. :D
THU 1.15.04 @ 11:02pm
Oh yah, my birthday! I had a pretty good one. We went out to dinner at Andaluca. I'm not ashamed to admit I like to go there purely because of the Autumn Hash (yams!) that comes with the Pork Tenderloin, and the Liquid Chocolate dessert. There bread tastes funny and comes with hummus instead of butter, which I don't care for much. Their salads are funky things prettier to look at that they are tasty to eat. Their "shareables" don't sound at all appetizing. But the Autumn Hash is very yummie. The pork is pretty good. Eric's steak was sooo tender. And the Liquid Chocolate? To die for. We fight over who gets the last spoonfuls every time.
I got lots of CDs (PJ Harvey, Nelly Furtado, Crystal Method + more), a book (naughty!), and a DVD (Eddie Izzard!!). Plus a game, but I'm not allowed to open it until after I get my presents this weekend, as someone else may have also purchased it for me. So it sits there taunting me!!!
Can you believe that PJ song isn't on either of the CDs I got for my birthday??? I'm thinking it's maybe on one of the two that I already owned, the one that I've never really listened too much. PJ is an aquired taste. I didn't care for the 2nd cd of hers I purchased, so I burned 1 song and probably never listened to the others again. Hmmm...
So, about work. I'm not fired. Unfortunately, that sentence must still be followed with the word "yet". There is major restructuring about to happen at Westwind. We have individual meetings on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm somehow more nervous, and yet more hopeful at the same time. Wish me luck. I'm not sure what luck will have to do with it, but it would be nice to have some anyway.
THU 1.15.04 @ 10:53pm
I'm very tired. I was at work from 8am until 5:30pm. I haven't worked hours like that in NOB knows how long. And I can't remember the last time I was at work that early, let alone awake early enough to do it. Then tonight I finally went to the gym with Eric.
It was good to be back, although I was really nervous. This is a much bigger gym, a lot more intense people there. I had my groove on at my old gym, knew the machines and the people who worked there. There were some really serious male lifters. But only 1 or 2, maybe 3 at any given time. It's true we went at the busiest time tonight, but the free-weight area was just packed with serious lifters. Some of them the size of professional lifters, including the manager. Yikes.
Anyway, aside from being nervous, feeling new, and not knowing how any of the machines worked, I think I did ok. The 5-minute warm up on the bizarre cross-country ski machine was the hardest part. My arms are still pretty wimpy compared to my legs. Almost no weight on the arm machines, and I'm shaking after doing just 6 or 7 reps. I'm lucky if I can finish 2 complete sets. I wasn't very lucky tonight! My legs kick ass though. I've always been able to push more weights on my legs than any girl I've ever known. And despite being out of it for about a year now, I was pretty close to where I was when I was last at the gym.
Now if only I can stand more than 5 minutes of cardio at a time. Next time the bike. Definitely the bike. Even if I have to stand around like a doofus and wait for one.
Anyone ever done pilates? The gym includes free classes, and from what I've heard pilates is right up my alley, and it's at a pretty good time. I might try it next week.
WED 1.14.04 @ 9:23am
Just in time for my birthday!
From The Hobbit Name Generator:
My hobbit name: Tigerlily Peatfingers of Brockenborings
My husband's hobbit name: Fredegar Peatfingers of Brockenborings
From The Elvish Name Generator:
My Elvish name: Tári Elendil
My husband's Elvish name: Elladan Elendil
Then there's the Middle Earth Name Generator:
According to the Red Book of Westmarch, In Middle-earth, Mysie Lynn Cairns was a Daring Warg
What on Middle Earth is a DARING WARG???
Elven Name Possibilities: Telepsulë, Telepsulëiel, Telepsulëien, Telepsulëwen
I definitely like Tári Elendil better!
Hobbit Lass: Primrose Green from Combe
I think I like Tigerlily better
Dwarven Name: Káin Stormhands
And quite possibly my favorite:
Orkish Name: Globkrísh the Cruel
WED 1.14.04 @ 12:46am
Here's my birthday Dilbert:
I don't read the horoscopes anymore, except on my Birthday, when I try to read as many different ones as I can find.
Jeraldine Saunders, Horoscope columnist for The Seattle Times and The Washington Post, has this to say about my birthday:
IF JANUARY 14 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY . . . you are highly competitive and strong-willed; the idea of losing to someone else is almost unbearable. Active, energetic and persistent, you also can be extremely intuitive. Make sure you pay attention to your inner voice. You are a formidable presence in any situation and may need to make an effort to avoid intimidating others. You like to be on the go.
And for today, she tells me:
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Creativity in writing and speaking flows strongly, and you may feel the urge to be more unconventional than is your wont. Don't be afraid to try something new. Mercury enters Capricorn today, so the gods of communication are with you.
Horoscope.com gives me this birthday advice:
For those of us born on: January 14
Happy Birthday: Obstacles have stood in your way and you have had to fight hard to get ahead. Your approach must change before you will feel any relief. Putting too much pressure on yourself has been part of your problem in the past. It's often the simple route that brings the most in return. -- Birthday Baby: You have a progressive attitude and approach to life that takes everyone by surprise. Your peers look up to you and you stand out in the crowd because of your strong beliefs and dedication.
And here's what they say I should expect of today:
Your Horoscope for January 14 , 2004
Don't get all worked up if things don't go your way. Expect to have to put in extra time and work. Change is probably inevitable, so prepare to accept it.
Today's Motivational Quote:
One must never be in haste to end a day. There are too few of them in a lifetime.
-- Dale Coleman
WED 1.14.04 @ 12:13am
I am now officially 31 years old. I don't feel any different. If you want to get technical, I was born at 7:35am Hawaiian time. Hawaii is either 2 or 3 hours behind Pacific, depending on Daylight Savings, I'm not sure which it is at the moment. So technically, I don't turn 31 until 9:35 or 10:35 later this morning.
My husband gave me an early birthday present, kind of like opening a present the night before Christmas Eve. He told me to pick a number between 1-10. Apparently #9 was PJ Harvey's Rid of Me! I am very happy. What I've heard so far sounds awesome. Well, I've only heard 10-20 seconds of each of the songs, checking for that song The End has been playing. It's not on there. *sigh* Oh well, it will be a nice change to listen to at work tomorrow. I think if I play John Mayer one more time there, someone might throw something hard at me.
Happy Birthday, me. Here's to not getting fired on Thursday. Stupid 8am mandatory staff meetings. I remember when we would close an hour early one Wednesday evening each month, and get paid to have big group discussions and the shop techs would ramble on forever. Sometimes we got treats. Sometimes we had fights. Sometimes we stuffed envelopes. Those were the good old days. *sigh*
I should really be in bed. I can't sleep. I wonder why?
TUE 1.13.04 @ 6:42pm
My birthday is tomorrow. I hope I get some PJ Harvey CDs. The End has just changed their format, and plays this PJ Harvey song I've never heard before. I hear it maybe once a day, but they never say what it's called. I adore this song.
So, tomorrow's my birthday. I was hoping to go see the Seattle Opera put on Carmen. Of course, I didn't think of this until last... Friday. They are all sold out except for 1 or 2 performances at the end of the month. I had my heart set on this idea of going out on my birthday, first to dinner at Andaluca and then Carmen. And it was just ruined when I found out Carmen was sold out. I'm being a baby, thinking it's not worth it to go 2 weeks after my birthday.
But that's what I'm doing. Moping.
Even better, it seems I may be getting fired on Thursday. Yay.
TUE 1.13.04 @ 6:36pm
I've seen 3 movies in the last week. The Hours, Mona Lisa Smile, and Adaptation.
The Hours was kind of boring. Not in the I-wish-I-hadn't-bothered sort of way though. It just was kind of slow, and sometimes not engaging enough. I have a crush on Julianne Moore, so it was easy to be glued to the screen watching her. Even if she was impossibly sad and depressed.
Watching Nicole Kidman was just... so weird. She really looked completely different. I have no idea how true-to-life they kept her Virginia Wolf character, but it really reminded me of this short story we read in college called The Yellow Wallpaper. It was a really depressing piece about a Victorian woman who was brought to a new town, a new house, for her health. And her room is a room with Yellow Wallpaper. And as time progresses, she spends less and less time out of it. And she sees a mirror of herself in the wallpaper, trapped behind the bars made behind the pattern. It's eerie and real. As someone with depression and an over-active imagination can attest, it was very, very real. And many of the things Nicole Kidman's character said or did reminded me of that poor woman, trapped in her room of Yellow Wallpaper.
Meryl Streep's character. I have to be honest, I just didn't really get her. And I think the only reason why I "got" Julianne & Nicole was because they were playing depressed women. Meryl didn't really strike me as depressed. Obsessive and a little lost, and of course upset at the impending death of the man she loves.
I think it was really just a failure of the script. Because you saw some moving performances there. But there just wasn't enough screen time for anyone to really, really feel for them.
Then there was Mona Lisa Smile. I adore all of the known actresses in that film. Julia Roberts, Maggie Gyllenhall, Kirsten Dunst, and Julia Stiles. They're all amazing. And they all fit their parts really well. But... the story was too disjointed. I suppose it wasn't just about one person's year. But the school year of one classroom of girls and their teachers. But it just didn't really work very well. There just wasn't enough of a story there. I think Julia Stiles was the hottest. I wish she would have dinner on the table for me every night at 5pm. *sigh*
And finally Adaptation, which was on cable last night. Spike Jonze is a bizarre man, there's no other way to say it. Nicholas Cage didn't win anything for this, did he. Fuck, he should have. The role was just... astounding. Whereas "Being John Malkovich" is less about getting to know the characters and more about this bizarre, bizarre concept, "Adaptation" is very much about getting into Nicholas Cage's head. The head of a pathologically insecure, shy, nervous, brilliant man. And then, whoops, 3/4 of the way through the film you get a real plot. Bizarre. I liked it. But, just like "Being John Malkovich", I don't see the need to ever watch it again. Once was enough, thank you very much.
TUE 1.13.04 @ 6:16pm
Nancy Kress is one of my favorite writers, having written my second favorite book, Beggars in Spain. Nancy doesn't produce books fast enough for me. But I picked up two of her older ones that I didn't have from a used bookstore on Sunday.
I read Brainrose over two days. Very, very Nancy-Kress-ish. Just far enough in the future to seem the same, but very, very different.
I just can't get over the underlying premise of the book though: that the cure for AIDS was found in the late '90s, after almost a decade of violent rioting, hate crimes, and rewriting of the Constitution. Homosexual acts are illegal. The book takes place in 2022, and homophobia is still rampant, and homosexual acts are still a federal offense. It was so hard to get through the book because of this, even though for the most part the homophobia and rhetoric and laws were just sidelines. Hardly mentioned. As the book develops, it sounded more and more like something Greg Bear would write, as it became more and more mystical, religious even.
I'm not religous. In fact, I'm quite anti-religious. So Science Fiction books that evolve into a mystical revelation are kind of a cop-out to me. A cheap ending. But not necessarily unsatisfying. Because of that part of me that finds it so hard to suspend my disbelief. The part of me that thinks anything's possible. Even some bizarre mystical revelation about the nature of the universe.
The only thing wrong with this mystical ending was that I didn't quite get it. Kress likes to throw in a bit of philosophy and a whole crap-load of hard science. The combo in this book left me questioning how the characters came to find the "revelation" a mystical one. Because I didn't quite understand what had happened. Oh well.
But one last thing on the homophobia and AIDS backlash. This book was published in 1990. Weren't we well aware that homosexuals didn't cause AIDS by then??? In fact, they had nothing to do with the disease at all, except that a few gay communities helped spread the disease around the US? The disease that was already all over Africa? If I remember "And The Band Played On..." correctly, it was actually a bisexual Canadian pilot who they believe first brought the disease to North America. And because he was so promiscuis with both men and women, he gave it to dozens and dozens of people who went on to give it to hundreds more because we were in the middle of the easy-sex Sexual Revolution.
Anyway, the book pissed me off. And I'm not sure the story was good enough to make up for the homophobia.
TUE 1.13.04 @ 5:52pm
I think the 2004 elections are fucked. Democrats had an amazing shot at the White House last time around, and obstinate Naderites blew it all away. This time, we've got slim pickings for the Democratic nomination.
Won't someone please get Bush out of power? Soon???
That man scares me. More than ever now. Because before he was just an idiot, a pro-Religion war-mongerer. But lately, I fail to even understand that.
What on earth is up with his illegal-alien workers platform? The Republicans have a long history of shitting all over illegal aliens through denial of health care, education of their children, denying their language, and god knows what else. So what the fuck is this all about?
And Mars? Haven't Republicans been trying to gut/shut-down NASA for the last two decades, for its lack of useful every-day applications? Isn't it some special Republican litmus-test that you have to believe NASA is a waste of money? And Bush wants to go back to the Moon as a jumping-off point for Mars exploration???
The world is a scary, scary place when George W. Bush starts sounding like a reasonable man. Someone hold me.
TUE 1.06.04 @ 9:52am
haha! I finally got my favicon.ico to work! I accidentally found a way around the whole "once Safari bookmarks a site, it never forgets". I went to mysie.com instead of www.mysie.com, and there it was! What the hell is Safari's problem? How many times can I delete the History, clear the Cache, restart, before it STOPS trying to auto-complete addresses I've been to before? Bizarre.
Well, Shoreline, Seattle, and most of Western Washington are in the middle of what appears to be a blizzard. Still 27F as it has been for the past 2-3 days, but today the snow finally arrived. And it's really been dumping. The flakes just in the last half hour turned from small to big, so it should pile up even faster. It's supposed to turn into rain this afternoon, but that will be too late to get into work. My boss actually closed the office. I think that's only the 2nd time he's done that since I've been working there.
I have a history of writing about my dreams, despite knowing that most of my readers don't care about them. But I'm fascinated by them. Fascinated and disturbed. I've been having the most intricate and bizarre dreams since at least high school. Probably the most cliché words out of my mouth are "I had the most bizarre dream last night."
But when I was younger, I had the peace of mind that I knew that my dreams were just dreams, despite their clarity. Until I took a philosophy class at the UW. Intro philosophy seems to be all about whether or not "I" exist. One day we talked about dreams, and how do we know we exist, and we're not really just living another dream? I was very happy that I could prove my existence because there were certain things I never dreamt about: reading, writing, sleeping, dreaming, and eating. Within days of this realization, I had my first dreams about reading. Writing soon followed. Later that quarter, I dreamed about not dreaming. I've never dreamed about waking up or going to sleep, but I've dreamed about lying in bed. I'm not sure about eating.
But it's dreaming that I'm not dreaming that's the most disturbing. I used to have these dreams about visiting Hawaii. I had them so often, and they were so heartbreaking, we planned to finally go there in '99. But then the strangest thing happened. I began having the Hawaii dream, but this time, I almost always said to myself something like, "This time it's not a dream!" And I would wake up and WHAM! Realize it had been a dream. And that was so much worse.
Despite the trip to Hawaii and a short reprieve afterwards, I still have this dream now - that I'm finally visiting again, and this time it's not a dream.
Then there's my other recurring dream. The one about finding a bathroom. I find these very amusing upon waking up. Because they're always about me searches the strangest facilities to try and find a bathroom that isn't occupied, has an actual toilet, and a door. Sometimes, I have to pee in odd places, and I'm convinced it's perfectly normal to take a leak there. I used to wake up from these afraid that I had/would wet the bed, but I never have, so I just find them amusing.
So last night I had another one of those. And when I woke up this morning, I was just struck by the clarity, the detail, the intricacies. There were so many people around, each of them a separate person. It's so strange that it wasn't real.
And that's always been my problem. They're so clear, and so plausable at the time I'm having them, that when I wake up, sometimes I have problems convincing myself it didn't really happen. I've laid in bed many cummulative hours over the years, pondering the nature of dreams. Wondering if maybe it's just an alternate reality.
Unfortunately, this is not a good thing. Because I have problems with reality. This thinking has gotten me into much trouble in the past. Which led me to seek out therapy finally. I'm much better now, much more convinced that dreams are just dreams. But I've never been able to 100% convince myself of anything. My mind always holds out the possibility of the extraordinary, the unexpected. I'm not 100% sure that 2+2=4, that god doesn't exist, or that dreams aren't just a transport into another world. Because if you can't trust math, what can you trust?
SAT 1.03.04 @ 10:27pm
Hello everyone, and welcome to Cerulean, mysie.com layout 5.0. I'm not entirely convinced this blue is truly close enough to Cerulean to call it that, but it was the best name I could think up after wracking my brain these last 2 days. Cerulean is an ocean color, I believe a medium turquoise. This will just have to do.
And all of you who know me, please don't freak out that this is my 2nd blue layout in a month. I have been a staunch nay-sayer to blue since... well, probably since I was in grade school. And once I got older and saw how many kitchen schemes and accessories, etc. are in blue, I was even more turned-off. And with that in mind, I'm not sure how I feel about this layout anymore - it's looking a tad "country kitchen". Eww.
But for most of my life I've been very anti-pink, and I've warmed to that, so who can fault me for warming (cooling?) to blue? Certain blues anyway. Blame it on Christmas. A few years back I caved and bought some pretty blue ornaments and wrapping, and I've been buying more and more since. And I think I have 1 or 2 blue shirts in my wardrobe. So here, I've broken down, and I have a blue layout. It's a really snazzy blue, dontcha think?
Anyway.
Tell me, what exactly is the point of it being 27F outside, and NOT have snow??? The snow from this morning just wasn't enough. It only snowed for about an hour or two, and what hit the ground was promptly blown into a few nooks and crannies, quickly hiding most evidence of its occurence.
We went to the Pacific Science Center today, our last outing with Stephanie and Ashley before they fly back to Reno tomorrow. How they stay interested in that place is beyond me. I guess it helps that we've seen a different IMAX film each time we've gone. There were too many bugs and spiders around today. I was all for seeing the bug movie, until we bought the tickets and they said 3D on them. And they had live spiders on display in jars and terraniums. I got a bit too close to one before I realized what I was doing, and quickly started in with an arachnaphobic panic-attack. I forced myself away before I got carried away though.
The butterflies are much more my speed. One of them hung out on Eric's shoulder for a few minutes. And we saw the butterfly that has "the largest wing-span of any insect", I think they called it an Atlas. It looked more like a giant, brown moth. I'm not quite sure what the difference is between a moth and a butterfly. Growing up I thought moths were brown, and all the other colors were pretty much butterflies. Apparently, that's quite wrong, but damned if I remember what the difference is now.
FYI, the "Space" exhibit at PSC isn't exactly impressive. It gets better than the pointless beginning, I'll give you that. But for too long I thought the entirety of the exhibit would be walls with facts and images on them - BORING. Finally we got to the interactive sections. We got to touch a piece of the moon and a piece of mars. Well, meteorites from them. Not samples collected there. Hmph.
After the Science Center we went out to eat at Zoopa, after much complaining while walking to the cars in the 27F weather. I really can't remember the last time it got this cold here and I was out in it, but I believe it was when I was in high school. Eric thinks our big snow back in '96 or so was this cold, but I'm not convinced. I remember very clearly that it was in the teens for a few days back in the '89 or '90 freeze. And that was in broad daylight with the sun out. Seattle, and Washington in general, just aren't supposed to be that cold!!!
SAT 1.03.04 @ 10:36am
It just started snowing, lightly, really small flakes. And it's windy. So it's like Will o' The Wisp snows out there. I didn't think it was cold enough to snow - it was raining last night.
We went to see The Last Samurai finally. This was a very impressive movie. Have the Oscar noms come out yet? Because I imagine this will be up for a few. The battle scenes reminded me of Braveheart, which actually won best picture.
I think what I liked best about it, other than the scenery and cinematography (which I knew would be excellent going in), was the character development. The characters were all so subtle, slow to reveal themselves. Ken Watanabe's Katsumoto blew me away. And not just because he was extremely sexy. He was both ferocious and calm. Gentle, amusing, intelligent, fierce, strong. It was an amazing role.
I really liked the character of his son, Nobutada (Shin Koyamada), and not just because with his hair pulled back he was reminding me of Legolas. It was also an excellent role, and it was Shin's first, so here's to hoping he'll go far in Hollywood.
The children were excellent. The character of Taka was a little too subtle for me. I didn't quite understand her or her feelings for the men in her life. The single scene of physical interaction between her and Tom Cruise's Algren was electrifying and intense. Tom Cruise has blown me away before with his capactity to display emotion with just a look, but Koyuki as Taka was doing that in the whole movie. The small intimacy between them was hugely satisfying.
The single thing I have against this film was that Tony Goldwyn's death was not satisfying. They made it very clear why Algren hated Bagley, and Bagley was definitely not a compassionate man. He definitely should have understood Algren's conflicts better. But in the end Algren killed him with a vengeance that he should have owed Custer, not his former commanding officer. There was one triumphant sound in the audience when Bagley received his death blow. I didn't see it as a triumph. I think that Bagley was merely a flawed man, dedicated to the wrong things, but who could be honorable. Displayed by his leading men out to battle at the end against Algren instead of standing back with the other commanders.
Once again, a war movie has left me with that cold feeling of uselessness. The uselessness of death in war. But I didn't go numb and horror-filled like when I watched Saving Private Ryan. I can't quite explain why. Except maybe it was because these people were fighting for a more personal cause, and had personally made the decision before hand to die for it. It wasn't any more noble a cause, but at least they were there by choice, instead of command. Like those poor Japanese foot-soldiers slaughtered in the first battle.
Enough death. I'm going to watch Kyra try and attack the Will o' the Wisp snows through the window.
FRI 1.02.04 @ 9:32pm
well, it took almost 24 hours, but my backgrounds are accessable again - because I put them on 6 different pages, instead of relying on the Java. Eric and I were looking at the page last night and, although we don't know why Safari does this, we discovered it's not technically "broken". Once you click on the link for one image, you must click on another link for any other image, then click back on the original image you wanted. And voila! The one you want magically appears the way it's supposed to. Crazy.
As Eric worked today, and I'm obsessive about these things, i spent my entire day just building pages to hold and display them separately. I now have 6 pages of displayed backgrounds, including the ones I've been working on this week. Woo-hoo!
They can be found here:
backgrounds 1 - scans of sanrio & other japanese stickers
backgrounds 2 - abstract symbols
backgrounds 3 - asian patterns 1
backgrounds 4 - asian patterns 2
backgrounds 5 - victorian & celtic designs
backgrounds 6 - old-fashioned floral designs
Other than that, I just wanted to talk about John Mayer. I have 3 of his CDs now, and he is phenomenal. His songs are so emotional, without necessarily being sad. In fact, none of his songs have ever made me sad until today, when I finally got around to popping in his newest CD (thanks for the XMAS present Ian!).
I like music. No, I love music. And I adore a good lyricist. Sting moves me, amuses me to no end. John Mayer is right up there. But this song today, it got to me on so many levels. It invoked so many emotions at one time, I had to listen to it 3 times in a row, and I cried each time. Here are the lyrics. See what they mean to you:
daughters by John Mayer
i know a girl
she puts the color inside of my world
she's just like a maze
where all of the walls all continually change
I've done all i can
to stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now i started to think
maybe its got nothing to do with me.
so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too.
Oh
Oh you see that skin
its the same shes been standing in
since the day you two met
i bet i was on your mind
never ever any time
Oh yeah
so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do, yeah
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too.
boys you can break
find out how much they can take
boys will be strong and
boys soldier on
but boys would be gone
without warmth of a woman's good good heart
on behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
you are the god and the weight of her world
on behalf of ever man
who's looking out for every girl
you are the god and you are the weight of her world
so fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers who turn into mothers
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too
so mothers be good to your daughters too
Back to Mysie, who says: Good night everybody. Be good to each other.
FRI 1.02.04 @ 12:25am
Damn. I thought it was only my computer that was buggy, as I was debating whether I may need a new clock battery. Now that I've got a few new backgrounds to load up to mysie.com, I wanted to see how many were already loaded, and when I click to look at any background, it does not work. Eric set up some bizarre thing in... Java I believe. It works like a charm in IE. And it was working on his PC. It does jack shit in Safari. No image pops up. No error either. It's like you didn't even click on anything.
On the positive side, I think this second "mini" vacation is going better than Christmas did. I am feeling much more relaxed, less wound up. Probably a combination of more sleep in my own bed, more time fucking off at nothing at home, and the concentration required to alter images in Photoshop. Nothing like doing something a little mind-numbing to cleanse the soul, I always say.
It has been trying to snow here all day, with the rain winning out for most of it. It's right on that cusp, and nice and windy, so you feel like you're fucking freezing out there, but yet it's rain hitting your face instead of snow. Well, around 6pm or so the snow started to win. By the time we left the house at 7:30, I'm pretty sure it was pure snow.
We went to dinner and bowling with Heidi, Stephanie & Ashley. It was snowing when we went into Chang's, not doing anything when we left. Nothing as we exited the bowling alley. There was some rain on the drive home, despite passing a thermometer that said 29F. We start to climb up the hill to our neighborhood, and it's snowing. There is a little accumulation on the lawns and cars, but not on the streets or sidewalks. I wonder what it will look like by morning. Hopefully it keeps snowing and accumulating. It would be a nice gift.
Kyra just jumped up to say hello. She is fitting in great. She's becoming quite independent. And obsessively curious about every nook and cranny. The four of us actually all shared the same bed this morning, and we had to purring cats, although they weren't touching each other and had to be petted independently. Oh well, them both happy on the bed at the same time was what I was going for.
Happy New Year everyone. Don't make any resolutions you can't keep. Which is why I never make any.
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
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April 2003
february/march 2003
2002