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MON 09.23.03 @ 9:48pm
"detachable penis" is a weird fucking song.
Two odd thoughts came to me on the drive home today.
1. Donna Moss on The West Wing reminds me of me. My husband now finds my annoying whininess "cute". We find Donna's whininess cute. Hmm.
2. I wonder how many new ways I can become something I have great distaste for.
It is a common cliché in films and other stories about Victorian life that some women had a tendency to be sick, fatigued easily, and of a "delicate" nature. Isn't Mena's friend in Dracula like this? One of the sisters in "Little Women" has this "condition". "The Yellow Wallpaper", a horrifying tale I read in college, has the men in a woman's life determining that she is too feeble to leave the house, leave one floor of her house, and finally to leave one room that she banishes herself to. Women are always fainting, or having the propensity of fainting. In "Dangerous Liasons", Uma Thurman is sent indoors to grab a shawl so she won't catch a chill.
Maybe it's corsets. Maybe it's lack of air conditioning and central heating. Maybe it's poor eating habits. Who knows. Victorian women are usually portrayed as being highly susceptable to sickness and exhaustion.
I always thought it was a cliché. A patriarchal way of keeping women in their place, under the care of men.
And yet, I find myself overwhelmed dealing with the various things wrong with me. I am easily fatigued. Highly susceptable to headaches, which then become migraines 90% of the time. Most days after work, I have no energy to do anything but lay down or surf the internet. I don't write, read, do chores, housework, tasks I want or need to complete.
Part of me thinks that it's my weight. That I'm in some viscious cycle of not having enough energy to get healthy, and being unhealthy is what gives me so little energy. But I am not horrificly overweight. Doctors find nothing wrong with me.
I don't have a point. I just don't know what to do with myself some days. Today it was all I could do to keep from sobbing on the way home because I was so exhausted and it was taking forever to get through traffic to get home to go to bed.
So is there some other cause to my exhaustion? Some sickness that these Victorian women really have, and now I have, but doctors don't know about it.
Cholesterol, blood pressure, thyroid, iron levels: all checked out to "within tolerance levels". I am a machine with an undiagnosed malfunction. Hell, they even tested for diabetes. I swear I have problems with blood sugar, and yet shouldn't that have been revealed during the diabetes scare?
I think doctors are crap. I can't remember the last doctor I visited who treated me with enough respect and care to earn mine in return. I don't think I've ever seen one.
This body, it feels like it's running down. Too soon. And yet no one can tell me why.
any and all spelling errors herein are the fault of the author alone. her editor had nothing to do with it. oh, yah, i don't have an editor. i hate editing my own work. and i don't have the energy to looking up my misspellings. fuck off
SUN 09.22.03 @ 8:41pm
So what's up with Mysie today? I am so fucking pissed at our cat - that's what comes to mind first. We've lived in this house since May. About a month ago, he started peeing in random places, and spraying others. We've taken to locking him in the room where his litter box is for a few hours when he does this. We thought we'd finally gotten through to him, when this morning we found another huge puddle of cat piss downstairs. He has spent THE ENTIRE DAY in that room with nothing but his litter box and water bowl for company (he only eats at night, so I've stopped bothering putting his food bowl in when we do this).
I am really praying that CHOPPING HIS BALLS OFF fixes this problem that's really getting out of control. Because if it doesn't, we're not going to be able to replace the downstairs floorboards until he dies. Or get a kitten. And we may have to figure out a way from letting him upstairs onto the new carpet (which he hasn't peed on YET, but he's sprayed in at least two places up here). I hate the idea of my cat dying. I would hate even more having to count down until his death before improving the house and adding to our household could commence.
So, yah. I would appear that when I started that entry Friday night, I was wrong about not having anything to say. Apparently, I had lots to say! This is my 3rd post today!
Saturday we met up with Susan & Thane to watch Underworld. It would have been nice to have spent time together before or after, but it wasn't in the cards. We'll probably all go bowling next weekend.
It's hard for my neurotic self not to jump on her and get all clingy and demand that we become best friends again who spending every spare moment together. I really want to invite Sayuri & Ash & baby David over. And although it would reek havoc on Jenni's allergies, it would be nice if we could host them for once. Actually, it might be fun to host a night of games where there are three couples. Hmm. Will talk to Eric about that. Arranging 6 peoples schedules and one possible babysitter might be tough though!
In late October, we'll finally be getting back together with Heather. The four of us will be headed for the coast (Longbeach?) for a weekend. She suggested renting movies and playing games. That sounds exactly my speed lately. A nice weekend shut-in with friends would be really nice. Only to be interrupted by a stroll or two on the beach, and maybe a lunch out. I am a hermit at heart!
Eric and I are really getting antsy for a vacation alone together though. Not sure how we could afford it time or money wise though. I've taken lots of vacation this summer. I have lots more, but going anywhere costs money. And I really can't take any more time off of work until the holidays, because things are just CRAZY there. I've never felt quite this guilty about being sick at home. I've ALWAYS felt guilt for that. Now it's 10-fold, since things are so busy.
I'm not sure how I'm going to survive the Holiday buying frenzy.
I think I'll sign off now. I've just spent over two hours in front of the computer composing entries. You've no idea how much effort it takes to put together an entry with as many links as the "entertainment" one I posted below.
Oh! An update on writing. As you can tell, I'm still focusing on immersing myself in erotica. I figure, after all the extra books I bought today, that I should spend the rest of this month immersing, and then use October for idea gathering. That part of it really scares me. I haven't had a really good idea in ages. I have one idea. It came to me... sometime earlier this year. Before that, I think my last idea was in 1999. Neither of them have been written, so I have some options to fall back on if I can't come up with anything else original before November. But I'd rather get something fresh. Something I can get excited about.
SUN 09.22.03 @ 8:13pm
This is why I *really* must write down my thoughts more often. Because I go so long without saying anything, that when I sit down to do it finally, I have a million things to say. Below this entry I have posted Friday night's ramble. Feel free to scroll past my obsession with entertainment and actually read about what's been going on in my life.
Recently Seen
Quills
A wonderful film. Intelligent, scathingly witty, alive with emotion. The entire cast was superb. I never saw Shine, but I know why Geoffrey Rush is an Oscar-winning actor. Michael Caine was excruciatingly vile. Kate Winslet adoringly naive and yet insatiable. Joaquin Phoenix hopelessly torn. I officially have a hopeless crush on Joaquin. The oddest thing about this movie was realizing it was a biographical fiction. I can't wait to crack open the de Sade I purchased today. Sounds delicious.
Please, go check out the "in production" notes so far about Rush's next work, The Remains of the Piano. This newest Monty Python spoof is set to also include the delightful Tim Curry and my original bald-headed crush, Patrick Stewart, playing a character called "Obie Ben Kingsley".
Signs
I've been obsessively checking the TV listings all summer for this to be on, as I decided I wanted to find out if it would be as scary upon a second viewing. Of course not. But it is one of the few films that can give me the creeps after the first screening. Part of it is Mel Gibson's character's refusal to believe the reality of the situation, until he is forced to deal with it head-on. Part of it is the teasing. Some teasing horror films are better than the ones that let you get intimate with the monster early on - this is one of them. Sound is also very important to this film. While the soundtrack is eerie, there's not much of it. Most of the film is dead quiet, as you listen to some of the most terrifying sounds behind nailed-shut doors. I found the ending very satisfying, despite my religious opinions. I can't wait for the next M. Night Shyamalan. Oh, and did I mention Joaquin is in this?
Did you know they're making a FOURTH Mad Max film?
Underworld
Wow. I believe I saw the first trailer for this a year ago, and I've been holding my breath every since. I am absolutely obsessed with vampires, and to merge in with the dark, slick sexuality and modernity of The Matrix had me panting and salivating. Unfortunately, it wasn't exactly "Vampires enter The Matrix" I'm not entirely sure why. I just feel like they could have tried a little harder with the script, and that the visuals were a little over the top. Of course, you could probably say this about The Matrix Reloaded, but I might have to hurt you for making me face that cruel truth.
I want to fuck Kate Beckinsale. Um, did I really say that out loud? Sorry. She's always been too thin for my taste, but wearing black latexy-leather outfits truly becomes her. You get to see her and her glorious ass and tiny waist blast through the doors of the mansion not once, but twice! Oh, to be Kate's corset. Or better yet, that painted on leather. Mmmmm.....
Other visuals were amazing as well. I really digged the mythology. When it comes down to it, a quality vampire story has to have a rich mythology, and this one completely fits the bill. I think it was as the events in the present came towards their climax that the script felt pressed-for-time, and things got jumbled and rushed. It ended with an obvious ploy to build a sequal, but as yet IMDB does not mention one in the works. I hope they make it, because for the first time every I took Scott Speedman seriously. Maybe it was the way he says fuck, instead of looking like some pathetic loser with puppy-dog eyes pining for Felicity. (A show which I loved, but there's only so much love-triangle a girl can stand before throwing her arms in the air and giving it up). Also on the side of eye candy, they better fucking bring back Shane Brolly as Kraven, because by the end his smoldering sexuality had finally won me over.
Kate will be starring in Ven Helsing (vampires!) and The Aviator (1930's Hollywood!) next year. Holy god, two costume films. I think I will need to have someone prescribe me some heart medication before then.
The Core
Dear lord, even if I was tired and looking for a mind-numbing movie to fall asleep to, it's pretty sad we rented this instead of waiting for it to hit cable. Eric really harped on their bad science. I found it hard to fathom the utter predictability. I lost count of the number of scenes where I summed up the mystery of what was happening and a few minutes later I was proved correct. And we weren't even rewarding with a cheesy hero-lays-a-smacker-on-the-heroine. One little smooch planted by the heroine on the hero out of sheer joy for remaining alive, without an ounce of lust between them. Pathetic. For a movie I watched without any expectations at all, this was amazingly disappointing.
While cutie Aaron Eckhart couldn't save this film, it looks like he'll have another chance to lead next year in Suspect Zero, which sounds like it could be an interesting thriller (if a bit of a cliché).
The Order
I dig horror, occult, and sci-fi movies. This movie was a no-brainer that I would be in attendance. What was also a no-brainer was that it wouldn't be up for any Oscars. I still liked it though. I truly love SciFi with a rich mythology (see my notes on Underworld), and this one had a back story I wasn't expecting. Probably because the previews were a load of crap. It wasn't about some horribly Satanic weapon the Roman Catholic Church's rivals were using to assassinate people. It was about the power to redeem a soul without the Church at all, inhabited in one man. I liked the plot, the opulent imagery, the characters. I nearly swooned during the open sequence showing a priest bike-riding through Rome. I want to see Italy so badly I'm fit to be tied, literally. I might tear my hair out the next time I'm teased like this! Back to the point, I liked this film, I just wish it had been a little better, a little less predictable.
I was really taken with Benno Fürmann, but IMDB lists no pending projects for him. So it's either learn German and rent his previous stuff, or catch My House in Umbria, a flick I wanted to see merely for the Italian scenery, but which has received really poor reviews.
I can't wait for
Once Upon A Time In Mexico (Banderas + Depp + Hayek = SEXY AS FUCK) [out now]
Party Monster (Seth Green) [out now]
The Human Stain (Nicole Kidman) [Sept. 26]
Under The Tuscan Sun (Tuscany) [Sept. 26]
Brother Bear (Joaquin Phoenix + Disney's 2nd to last 2D movie) [Oct. 24]
In The Cut (Meg Ryan gets NAKED) [Oct. 24]
Gothika (Halle Berry + Robert Downey Jr.) [Oct. 24]
The Singing Detective (Robert Downey Jr.) [Oct. 24]
Matrix Revolutions (duh) [Nov. 5]
The Return of the King (duh squared) [Dec. 17]
Mona Lisa Smile (Julia Roberts) [Dec. 19]
Cold Mountain (Nicole Kidman + Jude Law) [Dec. 25]
Paycheck (John Woo + SciFi = could be good) [Dec. 25]
The Woods (M. Night Shyamalan + Joaquin Phoenix ) [2004]
Now Reading
Delta of Venus
I just finished this last night, and I now adore Anais Nin. She is a woman after my own heart, unafraid to use whatever beautiful or vulgar words fit best. And she did it in the 1930's. I think the most interesting part of this book was getting to the last chapter, after thought I had her voice clearly captured in my head, and finding myself completely thrown to read her words in first person. I thought I had come to know her, when I hadn't yet at all. Not really.
Stella
Anais Nin was once paid $1 per page of erotica. I just purchased this 56 page novella for the bargain price of $1.98, or 3.5¢ per page. Anais has the most amazing vocabulary of all time. I've never read anything quite like her. Stella, like most of the 3rd person works in Delta of Venus, is not really a happy tale. It's not erotic yet either. I'm on page 22. I adore her mastery of the English language.
To Read Soon
Amazon.com is a wonderful, enormous beast. I stumbled upon one of the "So You'd Like To" guides written by their customers, this one titled So You'd Like to Question Authority! Read a Banned or Challenged Book. I went straight to the used-bookstore today to buy a bunch of erotica and banned books, and here are my finds, totally $34 and change.
Anais Nin's Stella
Anais Nin's A Spy In The House Of Love
a volume containing Henry Miller's Tropic of Cancer/Black Spring/The Colossus of Maroussi (the only form I could purchase T.O.C. in)
Henry Miller's Tropic of Capricorn
Anne Rice's Exit to Eden
Pauline Réage's Story of O
A Photographic Supplement to The Diary of Anais Nin
D.H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover
the Marquis de Sade's Justine, Philosophy in the Bedroom, & Other Writings
It is truly shameful to admit how many of these books, and the ones on that Amazon.com list, I have not yet read. Of the 50 books mentioned, I've read 7 of them, seen the movies of 2 more, and read a great deal of Shakespeare. I have never read a single thing by Dante, Whitman, Vonnegut, Ginsberg or Darwin. I've never read To Kill A Mockingbird, Catcher in The Rye, or even The Diary of Anne Frank. But the ones of the list I have read, I have cherished experiencing. I can't wait to sink my teeth into today's finds.
SAT 09.20.03 around 1 am
I never update about my life here it seems. There isn't much to say.
Our hamster got out of his cage and ran away the weekend before our housewarming party. We never saw him again. Still miss him sometimes. He was the cutest thing.
Housewarming was a great success. Have yet to break out the cards I bought to send as Thank-You's. I'm so bad at that.
Finally broke down and met up with Susan, my best friend from high school. We had a good, all-day-long talk. We forgave each other for stuff. We reminisced. We realized we had more in common than we were even aware of at the time. We're double-dating to see "Underworld" tomorrow.
I've seen lots of movies lately that I want to say things about here, but never have the enthusiasm to write it down.
I've spent the last two weeks with no energy at all. I haven't felt the slightest bit erotic or inspired because of it. I had some energy when I went to see Susan last Saturday, but the killer migraine that ended that outing sapped what I had out of me. Then this week I've been dealing with smaller headaches and more "fatigue".
I am still convinced there's something really weird wrong with me to make me like this, but the doctors haven't been able to find anything.
Going in to see the podiatrist next Friday. Fun. Why are you a "PEdestrian" when you walk with your feet, but a PEdiatrist is a child doctor (pediatrician) and a foot doctor is a POdiatrist???
Things at work are going as well as they can, as I try not to get buried in work and keep my head above water as the G5's and now the new PB's increase our sales to levels I'm not sure I can handle How did my predecessors ever cope? Oh yah: 2 out of the 3 purchasers before me have had that as their only function. Well, other than Receiving. I am Purchasing, Receiving, and 1/3 of the accounting staff. Woo-hoo!
When I was watching TV a VERY LARGE SPIDER crawled up next to me. It was about a foot away from my face. This is the 2nd time this has happened on this couch - our living room was once a garage, and doesn't seem to keep the bugs out much. Anyway, I controlled my fear just enough to kill it and jump off of the couch. I then did my arachnaphobic toe-dancing: I try to scrunch up my toes so as no spiders can eat them. I clutched myself. Darted my eyes in every direction. Vowed to check for more spiders coming after me around the couch.
On the ceiling in the other half of the room was the largest spider I have ever seen since leaving Hawaii. In Hawaii we have cane spiders, which look like thin tarantulas. This thing looked like an anorexic cane spider. I'm betting if pressed flat it would easily fill my hand. Dear lord, how am I going to wipe that image from my mind now???
Anyway, I could do nothing but shudder and clutch myself and toe dance and stare. I could not leave because I was afraid it would disappear before I could come back to kill it, and then it would turn up later to eat our cat. Then my toes. So I stood there in fear, neck craning, shaking, scared out of my wits.
Luckily, Eric soon came home and did him in.
All spiders are male. All spiders are evil. All spiders are in a plot together to eat me. My toes are just how they'll start.
MON 09.15.03 @ 9:34pm
I would love to do a longer update sometime, but I just don't have the energy. Have been literally sick and tired these past 3 days. Started Saturday with the most intense migraine I've ever had, then Sunday I thought I was coming down with something. Today, I was just too tired to move, plus I thought a migraine might have been brewing, not to mention a sore throat.
I'm better now, but still very, very tired. Maybe the migraine never really left? Saturday really freaked the shit out of me, which really sucks, because I had a really nice day catching up with an old friend. Right up to the point where the migraine hit. Fast and Furious. Nope, it's not a movie, it's my head. Yay.
Um, so, I've "converted" two more fiction pieces into html, and slapped up a fiction page to group them all together. See the section over there to the left, under the heading "creative"? I changed that around a little bit. Now when you click on fiction, it links to some things I've put up here that I'd like you all to read. There's actually one non-erotic entry! Wow!
Anyway, check it out. And if you could, it would be greatly appreciated if you let me know what you think about any and/or all of it. Even if it's just to tell me about the formatting/layout. I finally decided I would use Safari as my base model for judging how well the page looks, since it seems very similar to PC IE. Not Mac IE. I'm not satisfied with how it looks in Mac IE, but Safari's the wave of the future, so there ya go.
SUN 09.14.03 @ 10:27pm
Just a quick update. I'm really frustrated that the newest version of DeviantArt was supposed to kick ass, and so far it looks like complete shit, and I can't even get my page with all of my submissions on it to load. It's been live for something like 2 months, so either they've decided not to support Macs anymore, or Mac IE. I'm not sure which.
So I've spent today working on a format I can live with to put my fiction up here. I don't know why I didn't do it before. But it's underway now. There are only 2 items up right now, but there are at least 2 more that I intend to convert to html to put here.
So please take a look at Kenna the Vampyre and Kenna - A Conclusion if you're interested.
I wrote the first in 1992 when I was 19 years old, and it shows. At the time, I only thought the ending was cliché. But after editing it to correct Microsoft Word's auto-formatting, I realized the whole thing is pretty much cliché after teenaged-fantasy cliché. Eek.
The "conclusion", which is only one possible ending, was written a few months ago, building on a paragraph [the first one] that I had written years ago, wondering what to do with the characters next. It's kind of scary to see where my sexuality has gone over the years. Go take a peek anyway.
SUN 09.07.03 @ 10:17pm
[This entry is for the Ladies and Gentlemen in the crowd. Boys, girls, and Neices, please go to bed or do some homework or something]
Dear family, friends, readers, strangers, and odd-google-searchers,
I have an admission to make: I am a sexual being.
Whew. There. I said it. I've realized recently that I've been feeling quite stifled over the years by my own fear of my nearest and dearest finding out I'm a sexual person. Why??? Everyone has sex, right?
Yes. But another admission: about my favorite thing in the world is reading, researching, and writing about sex. I enjoy writing Erotica. You can read some of my work along those lines here.
I have decided to start writing again, but I will not be putting any of my new writing up for the public to view. Laurell K. Hamilton once said something about the importance of writing, writing often, and then trying to get published. But never, ever put your writing out for free, ie: on the net.
Until now, I've been so down on my own writing, I've needed to tell myself that I wouldn't be writing to get published, or for an audience, I would just write for myself. There wasn't really a market for the way I said what I had to say, right? Certain experiences make me think otherwise now.
And I'm ready to be more serious about this. I've been flailing around in this life for so long. I've wanted to be a writer since I was 11 years old, but early in high school I convinced myself I would never be good at it, so I should try something else. I took Accounting classes. I was very interested in history, anthropology, and archeology. In college, after much debating, I decided to major in Psychology. After graduation, I got yet another receptionist gig. Reception became bookkeeping. I put away my thoughts of becoming a counselor. Years passed, and I started thinking about becoming a teacher. I went back to school, and got a part time position at a day care. There were a lot of good experiences, some bad experiences, and one very bad consequence: my health went haywire. I quit school, stopped going to the daycare, and wondered what I was going to do with my life that would spark more interest and enthusiasm in me than working for a computer store.
I can't really explain how it happened. One day, I just started writing some Erotica out of the blue. The same week, last week, I read a couple of different posts by local writers in a message board I frequent. Same week, I was at a used book store and picked up some Erotica by Anais Nin, next to which was a small guide to writing Erotica that I also purchased. My favorite naughty words were used without flinching in the guide. Anais talked about penises, giving head, anal sex, and "rouging" ones vagina lips with lipstick - back in the 40's.
I've always thought myself open about sex, but finally faced my own anxiety about revealing my sexuality to the outside world. And I'm ready. Ready to stand up and speak about the things I care about in my own voice.
I'm going to write. I'm going to write Erotica. I'm going to participate in the National Novel Writing Month event in November. I'm going to be as sexy and funky and vulgar as I want to be. And I'm going to enjoy myself.
When I was in Junior High and I visited the library, I would sit at the computers for book searching and under "Author" type in my own name. When the response came back that it could find no such author, I would type in little messages in the search box: "You will!" or "Get ready for me!" or "Give me a few years."
Give me a few years, get ready for me, and you will see my name on the bookshelves.
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"detachable penis" is a weird fucking song.
Two odd thoughts came to me on the drive home today.
1. Donna Moss on The West Wing reminds me of me. My husband now finds my annoying whininess "cute". We find Donna's whininess cute. Hmm.
2. I wonder how many new ways I can become something I have great distaste for.
It is a common cliché in films and other stories about Victorian life that some women had a tendency to be sick, fatigued easily, and of a "delicate" nature. Isn't Mena's friend in Dracula like this? One of the sisters in "Little Women" has this "condition". "The Yellow Wallpaper", a horrifying tale I read in college, has the men in a woman's life determining that she is too feeble to leave the house, leave one floor of her house, and finally to leave one room that she banishes herself to. Women are always fainting, or having the propensity of fainting. In "Dangerous Liasons", Uma Thurman is sent indoors to grab a shawl so she won't catch a chill.
Maybe it's corsets. Maybe it's lack of air conditioning and central heating. Maybe it's poor eating habits. Who knows. Victorian women are usually portrayed as being highly susceptable to sickness and exhaustion.
I always thought it was a cliché. A patriarchal way of keeping women in their place, under the care of men.
And yet, I find myself overwhelmed dealing with the various things wrong with me. I am easily fatigued. Highly susceptable to headaches, which then become migraines 90% of the time. Most days after work, I have no energy to do anything but lay down or surf the internet. I don't write, read, do chores, housework, tasks I want or need to complete.
Part of me thinks that it's my weight. That I'm in some viscious cycle of not having enough energy to get healthy, and being unhealthy is what gives me so little energy. But I am not horrificly overweight. Doctors find nothing wrong with me.
I don't have a point. I just don't know what to do with myself some days. Today it was all I could do to keep from sobbing on the way home because I was so exhausted and it was taking forever to get through traffic to get home to go to bed.
So is there some other cause to my exhaustion? Some sickness that these Victorian women really have, and now I have, but doctors don't know about it.
Cholesterol, blood pressure, thyroid, iron levels: all checked out to "within tolerance levels". I am a machine with an undiagnosed malfunction. Hell, they even tested for diabetes. I swear I have problems with blood sugar, and yet shouldn't that have been revealed during the diabetes scare?
I think doctors are crap. I can't remember the last doctor I visited who treated me with enough respect and care to earn mine in return. I don't think I've ever seen one.
This body, it feels like it's running down. Too soon. And yet no one can tell me why.
any and all spelling errors herein are the fault of the author alone. her editor had nothing to do with it. oh, yah, i don't have an editor. i hate editing my own work. and i don't have the energy to looking up my misspellings. fuck off
SUN 09.22.03 @ 8:41pm
So what's up with Mysie today? I am so fucking pissed at our cat - that's what comes to mind first. We've lived in this house since May. About a month ago, he started peeing in random places, and spraying others. We've taken to locking him in the room where his litter box is for a few hours when he does this. We thought we'd finally gotten through to him, when this morning we found another huge puddle of cat piss downstairs. He has spent THE ENTIRE DAY in that room with nothing but his litter box and water bowl for company (he only eats at night, so I've stopped bothering putting his food bowl in when we do this).
I am really praying that CHOPPING HIS BALLS OFF fixes this problem that's really getting out of control. Because if it doesn't, we're not going to be able to replace the downstairs floorboards until he dies. Or get a kitten. And we may have to figure out a way from letting him upstairs onto the new carpet (which he hasn't peed on YET, but he's sprayed in at least two places up here). I hate the idea of my cat dying. I would hate even more having to count down until his death before improving the house and adding to our household could commence.
So, yah. I would appear that when I started that entry Friday night, I was wrong about not having anything to say. Apparently, I had lots to say! This is my 3rd post today!
Saturday we met up with Susan & Thane to watch Underworld. It would have been nice to have spent time together before or after, but it wasn't in the cards. We'll probably all go bowling next weekend.
It's hard for my neurotic self not to jump on her and get all clingy and demand that we become best friends again who spending every spare moment together. I really want to invite Sayuri & Ash & baby David over. And although it would reek havoc on Jenni's allergies, it would be nice if we could host them for once. Actually, it might be fun to host a night of games where there are three couples. Hmm. Will talk to Eric about that. Arranging 6 peoples schedules and one possible babysitter might be tough though!
In late October, we'll finally be getting back together with Heather. The four of us will be headed for the coast (Longbeach?) for a weekend. She suggested renting movies and playing games. That sounds exactly my speed lately. A nice weekend shut-in with friends would be really nice. Only to be interrupted by a stroll or two on the beach, and maybe a lunch out. I am a hermit at heart!
Eric and I are really getting antsy for a vacation alone together though. Not sure how we could afford it time or money wise though. I've taken lots of vacation this summer. I have lots more, but going anywhere costs money. And I really can't take any more time off of work until the holidays, because things are just CRAZY there. I've never felt quite this guilty about being sick at home. I've ALWAYS felt guilt for that. Now it's 10-fold, since things are so busy.
I'm not sure how I'm going to survive the Holiday buying frenzy.
I think I'll sign off now. I've just spent over two hours in front of the computer composing entries. You've no idea how much effort it takes to put together an entry with as many links as the "entertainment" one I posted below.
Oh! An update on writing. As you can tell, I'm still focusing on immersing myself in erotica. I figure, after all the extra books I bought today, that I should spend the rest of this month immersing, and then use October for idea gathering. That part of it really scares me. I haven't had a really good idea in ages. I have one idea. It came to me... sometime earlier this year. Before that, I think my last idea was in 1999. Neither of them have been written, so I have some options to fall back on if I can't come up with anything else original before November. But I'd rather get something fresh. Something I can get excited about.
SUN 09.22.03 @ 8:13pm
This is why I *really* must write down my thoughts more often. Because I go so long without saying anything, that when I sit down to do it finally, I have a million things to say. Below this entry I have posted Friday night's ramble. Feel free to scroll past my obsession with entertainment and actually read about what's been going on in my life.
Recently Seen
Quills
A wonderful film. Intelligent, scathingly witty, alive with emotion. The entire cast was superb. I never saw Shine, but I know why Geoffrey Rush is an Oscar-winning actor. Michael Caine was excruciatingly vile. Kate Winslet adoringly naive and yet insatiable. Joaquin Phoenix hopelessly torn. I officially have a hopeless crush on Joaquin. The oddest thing about this movie was realizing it was a biographical fiction. I can't wait to crack open the de Sade I purchased today. Sounds delicious.
Please, go check out the "in production" notes so far about Rush's next work, The Remains of the Piano. This newest Monty Python spoof is set to also include the delightful Tim Curry and my original bald-headed crush, Patrick Stewart, playing a character called "Obie Ben Kingsley".
Signs
I've been obsessively checking the TV listings all summer for this to be on, as I decided I wanted to find out if it would be as scary upon a second viewing. Of course not. But it is one of the few films that can give me the creeps after the first screening. Part of it is Mel Gibson's character's refusal to believe the reality of the situation, until he is forced to deal with it head-on. Part of it is the teasing. Some teasing horror films are better than the ones that let you get intimate with the monster early on - this is one of them. Sound is also very important to this film. While the soundtrack is eerie, there's not much of it. Most of the film is dead quiet, as you listen to some of the most terrifying sounds behind nailed-shut doors. I found the ending very satisfying, despite my religious opinions. I can't wait for the next M. Night Shyamalan. Oh, and did I mention Joaquin is in this?
Did you know they're making a FOURTH Mad Max film?
Underworld
Wow. I believe I saw the first trailer for this a year ago, and I've been holding my breath every since. I am absolutely obsessed with vampires, and to merge in with the dark, slick sexuality and modernity of The Matrix had me panting and salivating. Unfortunately, it wasn't exactly "Vampires enter The Matrix" I'm not entirely sure why. I just feel like they could have tried a little harder with the script, and that the visuals were a little over the top. Of course, you could probably say this about The Matrix Reloaded, but I might have to hurt you for making me face that cruel truth.
I want to fuck Kate Beckinsale. Um, did I really say that out loud? Sorry. She's always been too thin for my taste, but wearing black latexy-leather outfits truly becomes her. You get to see her and her glorious ass and tiny waist blast through the doors of the mansion not once, but twice! Oh, to be Kate's corset. Or better yet, that painted on leather. Mmmmm.....
Other visuals were amazing as well. I really digged the mythology. When it comes down to it, a quality vampire story has to have a rich mythology, and this one completely fits the bill. I think it was as the events in the present came towards their climax that the script felt pressed-for-time, and things got jumbled and rushed. It ended with an obvious ploy to build a sequal, but as yet IMDB does not mention one in the works. I hope they make it, because for the first time every I took Scott Speedman seriously. Maybe it was the way he says fuck, instead of looking like some pathetic loser with puppy-dog eyes pining for Felicity. (A show which I loved, but there's only so much love-triangle a girl can stand before throwing her arms in the air and giving it up). Also on the side of eye candy, they better fucking bring back Shane Brolly as Kraven, because by the end his smoldering sexuality had finally won me over.
Kate will be starring in Ven Helsing (vampires!) and The Aviator (1930's Hollywood!) next year. Holy god, two costume films. I think I will need to have someone prescribe me some heart medication before then.
The Core
Dear lord, even if I was tired and looking for a mind-numbing movie to fall asleep to, it's pretty sad we rented this instead of waiting for it to hit cable. Eric really harped on their bad science. I found it hard to fathom the utter predictability. I lost count of the number of scenes where I summed up the mystery of what was happening and a few minutes later I was proved correct. And we weren't even rewarding with a cheesy hero-lays-a-smacker-on-the-heroine. One little smooch planted by the heroine on the hero out of sheer joy for remaining alive, without an ounce of lust between them. Pathetic. For a movie I watched without any expectations at all, this was amazingly disappointing.
While cutie Aaron Eckhart couldn't save this film, it looks like he'll have another chance to lead next year in Suspect Zero, which sounds like it could be an interesting thriller (if a bit of a cliché).
The Order
I dig horror, occult, and sci-fi movies. This movie was a no-brainer that I would be in attendance. What was also a no-brainer was that it wouldn't be up for any Oscars. I still liked it though. I truly love SciFi with a rich mythology (see my notes on Underworld), and this one had a back story I wasn't expecting. Probably because the previews were a load of crap. It wasn't about some horribly Satanic weapon the Roman Catholic Church's rivals were using to assassinate people. It was about the power to redeem a soul without the Church at all, inhabited in one man. I liked the plot, the opulent imagery, the characters. I nearly swooned during the open sequence showing a priest bike-riding through Rome. I want to see Italy so badly I'm fit to be tied, literally. I might tear my hair out the next time I'm teased like this! Back to the point, I liked this film, I just wish it had been a little better, a little less predictable.
I was really taken with Benno Fürmann, but IMDB lists no pending projects for him. So it's either learn German and rent his previous stuff, or catch My House in Umbria, a flick I wanted to see merely for the Italian scenery, but which has received really poor reviews.
I can't wait for
Once Upon A Time In Mexico (Banderas + Depp + Hayek = SEXY AS FUCK) [out now]
Party Monster (Seth Green) [out now]
The Human Stain (Nicole Kidman) [Sept. 26]
Under The Tuscan Sun (Tuscany) [Sept. 26]
Brother Bear (Joaquin Phoenix + Disney's 2nd to last 2D movie) [Oct. 24]
In The Cut (Meg Ryan gets NAKED) [Oct. 24]
Gothika (Halle Berry + Robert Downey Jr.) [Oct. 24]
The Singing Detective (Robert Downey Jr.) [Oct. 24]
Matrix Revolutions (duh) [Nov. 5]
The Return of the King (duh squared) [Dec. 17]
Mona Lisa Smile (Julia Roberts) [Dec. 19]
Cold Mountain (Nicole Kidman + Jude Law) [Dec. 25]
Paycheck (John Woo + SciFi = could be good) [Dec. 25]
The Woods (M. Night Shyamalan + Joaquin Phoenix ) [2004]
Now Reading
Delta of Venus
I just finished this last night, and I now adore Anais Nin. She is a woman after my own heart, unafraid to use whatever beautiful or vulgar words fit best. And she did it in the 1930's. I think the most interesting part of this book was getting to the last chapter, after thought I had her voice clearly captured in my head, and finding myself completely thrown to read her words in first person. I thought I had come to know her, when I hadn't yet at all. Not really.
Stella
Anais Nin was once paid $1 per page of erotica. I just purchased this 56 page novella for the bargain price of $1.98, or 3.5¢ per page. Anais has the most amazing vocabulary of all time. I've never read anything quite like her. Stella, like most of the 3rd person works in Delta of Venus, is not really a happy tale. It's not erotic yet either. I'm on page 22. I adore her mastery of the English language.
To Read Soon
Amazon.com is a wonderful, enormous beast. I stumbled upon one of the "So You'd Like To" guides written by their customers, this one titled So You'd Like to Question Authority! Read a Banned or Challenged Book. I went straight to the used-bookstore today to buy a bunch of erotica and banned books, and here are my finds, totally $34 and change.
Anais Nin's Stella
Anais Nin's A Spy In The House Of Love
a volume containing Henry Miller's Tropic of Cancer/Black Spring/The Colossus of Maroussi (the only form I could purchase T.O.C. in)
Henry Miller's Tropic of Capricorn
Anne Rice's Exit to Eden
Pauline Réage's Story of O
A Photographic Supplement to The Diary of Anais Nin
D.H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover
the Marquis de Sade's Justine, Philosophy in the Bedroom, & Other Writings
It is truly shameful to admit how many of these books, and the ones on that Amazon.com list, I have not yet read. Of the 50 books mentioned, I've read 7 of them, seen the movies of 2 more, and read a great deal of Shakespeare. I have never read a single thing by Dante, Whitman, Vonnegut, Ginsberg or Darwin. I've never read To Kill A Mockingbird, Catcher in The Rye, or even The Diary of Anne Frank. But the ones of the list I have read, I have cherished experiencing. I can't wait to sink my teeth into today's finds.
SAT 09.20.03 around 1 am
I never update about my life here it seems. There isn't much to say.
Our hamster got out of his cage and ran away the weekend before our housewarming party. We never saw him again. Still miss him sometimes. He was the cutest thing.
Housewarming was a great success. Have yet to break out the cards I bought to send as Thank-You's. I'm so bad at that.
Finally broke down and met up with Susan, my best friend from high school. We had a good, all-day-long talk. We forgave each other for stuff. We reminisced. We realized we had more in common than we were even aware of at the time. We're double-dating to see "Underworld" tomorrow.
I've seen lots of movies lately that I want to say things about here, but never have the enthusiasm to write it down.
I've spent the last two weeks with no energy at all. I haven't felt the slightest bit erotic or inspired because of it. I had some energy when I went to see Susan last Saturday, but the killer migraine that ended that outing sapped what I had out of me. Then this week I've been dealing with smaller headaches and more "fatigue".
I am still convinced there's something really weird wrong with me to make me like this, but the doctors haven't been able to find anything.
Going in to see the podiatrist next Friday. Fun. Why are you a "PEdestrian" when you walk with your feet, but a PEdiatrist is a child doctor (pediatrician) and a foot doctor is a POdiatrist???
Things at work are going as well as they can, as I try not to get buried in work and keep my head above water as the G5's and now the new PB's increase our sales to levels I'm not sure I can handle How did my predecessors ever cope? Oh yah: 2 out of the 3 purchasers before me have had that as their only function. Well, other than Receiving. I am Purchasing, Receiving, and 1/3 of the accounting staff. Woo-hoo!
When I was watching TV a VERY LARGE SPIDER crawled up next to me. It was about a foot away from my face. This is the 2nd time this has happened on this couch - our living room was once a garage, and doesn't seem to keep the bugs out much. Anyway, I controlled my fear just enough to kill it and jump off of the couch. I then did my arachnaphobic toe-dancing: I try to scrunch up my toes so as no spiders can eat them. I clutched myself. Darted my eyes in every direction. Vowed to check for more spiders coming after me around the couch.
On the ceiling in the other half of the room was the largest spider I have ever seen since leaving Hawaii. In Hawaii we have cane spiders, which look like thin tarantulas. This thing looked like an anorexic cane spider. I'm betting if pressed flat it would easily fill my hand. Dear lord, how am I going to wipe that image from my mind now???
Anyway, I could do nothing but shudder and clutch myself and toe dance and stare. I could not leave because I was afraid it would disappear before I could come back to kill it, and then it would turn up later to eat our cat. Then my toes. So I stood there in fear, neck craning, shaking, scared out of my wits.
Luckily, Eric soon came home and did him in.
All spiders are male. All spiders are evil. All spiders are in a plot together to eat me. My toes are just how they'll start.
MON 09.15.03 @ 9:34pm
I would love to do a longer update sometime, but I just don't have the energy. Have been literally sick and tired these past 3 days. Started Saturday with the most intense migraine I've ever had, then Sunday I thought I was coming down with something. Today, I was just too tired to move, plus I thought a migraine might have been brewing, not to mention a sore throat.
I'm better now, but still very, very tired. Maybe the migraine never really left? Saturday really freaked the shit out of me, which really sucks, because I had a really nice day catching up with an old friend. Right up to the point where the migraine hit. Fast and Furious. Nope, it's not a movie, it's my head. Yay.
Um, so, I've "converted" two more fiction pieces into html, and slapped up a fiction page to group them all together. See the section over there to the left, under the heading "creative"? I changed that around a little bit. Now when you click on fiction, it links to some things I've put up here that I'd like you all to read. There's actually one non-erotic entry! Wow!
Anyway, check it out. And if you could, it would be greatly appreciated if you let me know what you think about any and/or all of it. Even if it's just to tell me about the formatting/layout. I finally decided I would use Safari as my base model for judging how well the page looks, since it seems very similar to PC IE. Not Mac IE. I'm not satisfied with how it looks in Mac IE, but Safari's the wave of the future, so there ya go.
SUN 09.14.03 @ 10:27pm
Just a quick update. I'm really frustrated that the newest version of DeviantArt was supposed to kick ass, and so far it looks like complete shit, and I can't even get my page with all of my submissions on it to load. It's been live for something like 2 months, so either they've decided not to support Macs anymore, or Mac IE. I'm not sure which.
So I've spent today working on a format I can live with to put my fiction up here. I don't know why I didn't do it before. But it's underway now. There are only 2 items up right now, but there are at least 2 more that I intend to convert to html to put here.
So please take a look at Kenna the Vampyre and Kenna - A Conclusion if you're interested.
I wrote the first in 1992 when I was 19 years old, and it shows. At the time, I only thought the ending was cliché. But after editing it to correct Microsoft Word's auto-formatting, I realized the whole thing is pretty much cliché after teenaged-fantasy cliché. Eek.
The "conclusion", which is only one possible ending, was written a few months ago, building on a paragraph [the first one] that I had written years ago, wondering what to do with the characters next. It's kind of scary to see where my sexuality has gone over the years. Go take a peek anyway.
SUN 09.07.03 @ 10:17pm
[This entry is for the Ladies and Gentlemen in the crowd. Boys, girls, and Neices, please go to bed or do some homework or something]
Dear family, friends, readers, strangers, and odd-google-searchers,
I have an admission to make: I am a sexual being.
Whew. There. I said it. I've realized recently that I've been feeling quite stifled over the years by my own fear of my nearest and dearest finding out I'm a sexual person. Why??? Everyone has sex, right?
Yes. But another admission: about my favorite thing in the world is reading, researching, and writing about sex. I enjoy writing Erotica. You can read some of my work along those lines here.
I have decided to start writing again, but I will not be putting any of my new writing up for the public to view. Laurell K. Hamilton once said something about the importance of writing, writing often, and then trying to get published. But never, ever put your writing out for free, ie: on the net.
Until now, I've been so down on my own writing, I've needed to tell myself that I wouldn't be writing to get published, or for an audience, I would just write for myself. There wasn't really a market for the way I said what I had to say, right? Certain experiences make me think otherwise now.
And I'm ready to be more serious about this. I've been flailing around in this life for so long. I've wanted to be a writer since I was 11 years old, but early in high school I convinced myself I would never be good at it, so I should try something else. I took Accounting classes. I was very interested in history, anthropology, and archeology. In college, after much debating, I decided to major in Psychology. After graduation, I got yet another receptionist gig. Reception became bookkeeping. I put away my thoughts of becoming a counselor. Years passed, and I started thinking about becoming a teacher. I went back to school, and got a part time position at a day care. There were a lot of good experiences, some bad experiences, and one very bad consequence: my health went haywire. I quit school, stopped going to the daycare, and wondered what I was going to do with my life that would spark more interest and enthusiasm in me than working for a computer store.
I can't really explain how it happened. One day, I just started writing some Erotica out of the blue. The same week, last week, I read a couple of different posts by local writers in a message board I frequent. Same week, I was at a used book store and picked up some Erotica by Anais Nin, next to which was a small guide to writing Erotica that I also purchased. My favorite naughty words were used without flinching in the guide. Anais talked about penises, giving head, anal sex, and "rouging" ones vagina lips with lipstick - back in the 40's.
I've always thought myself open about sex, but finally faced my own anxiety about revealing my sexuality to the outside world. And I'm ready. Ready to stand up and speak about the things I care about in my own voice.
I'm going to write. I'm going to write Erotica. I'm going to participate in the National Novel Writing Month event in November. I'm going to be as sexy and funky and vulgar as I want to be. And I'm going to enjoy myself.
When I was in Junior High and I visited the library, I would sit at the computers for book searching and under "Author" type in my own name. When the response came back that it could find no such author, I would type in little messages in the search box: "You will!" or "Get ready for me!" or "Give me a few years."
Give me a few years, get ready for me, and you will see my name on the bookshelves.
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
february/march 2003
2002